I’ve read lots of really insightful blog posts and tips about marriage. They’re so important and meaningful. Marriages have more obstacles thrown at them today than maybe ever. Marriage is a choice and a challenge, all at once.
But I haven’t read enough about “followup marriages”. You know, the ones that come after the first one. I’m a second wife to a second husband. It’s not the same when you’re married for a second time. For the first time, everything is new and fresh, and you’re finding out all about marriage for the first time and together. Not so with a second marriage. It’s not all new but it is a new person, and you come with a whole lot of experiences, some good and some bad.
Statistically, that second marriage has less of a chance of making it than the first one did. I cry foul on that. I say if you’re smart, you have a much better chance of the subsequent marriage lasting and being successful. If you use your experiences and learn from them and apply them in the new relationship, you’re going in much wiser. You already know what you want and don’t, what you’ll accept and won’t, so use that to make this marriage a wonderful success.
I have learned so very much from my first marriage, since then, and now, during my second marriage. Guess which one is better? If you’ve read my story, you know my prior marriage was brutal. But it was terribly frightening to date again for fear history would repeat itself. I had to get smart and healthy before moving on. It’s paid off in dividends and here’s how:
Treat It Like It’s the Only When we were planning our wedding, a few people asked me if we were having a “big wedding” since it was the second marriage. “You’re not having a big wedding, are you?” Many people expected us to just have a private ceremony with perhaps just us and our kids. I wanted a traditional church wedding with family and friends. Do what you want. That’s the key. Don’t have a small wedding or elope because it’s a “second marriage” unless that’s what you want. A friend wanted to make sure we were having a traditional wedding. She said, “Maybe it’s not your first marriage, but it’s your first marriage to David.” Excellent point.
Don’t treat the second marriage like it’s a second best marriage. It’s just as important as the first one. In fact, it’s more important because it’s the marriage you’re in now. Don’t diminish it by having the attitude of “it’s just a second” anything. If you want to have the whole nine yards for your wedding, have them. Nobody has to love it but the two of you. Celebrate this amazing journey of life you’re embarking on.
Get Rid of “Old Ghosts” Don’t let things from marriage number one haunt you. If you were treated poorly, cheated on, or whatever painful things happened, leave it in the past the best you can. You cannot bring that into a new relationship. You can’t be suspicious of your new spouse because your former one did you dirty. Learn from the past but leave it there too. Don’t bring your old relationship into your new one. Don’t take out what husband #1 did, on husband #2, and don’t let them do that to you either.
Likewise, learn from what went wrong: what did you did wrong? What mistakes were made. Get healthy and figure this stuff out well before moving on.
The Sins of the Past It’s clear your new mate has a past. So do you. You both have former spouses and experiences with them, and even happy times. Do not be jealous. Your new husband chose you for a reason. Don’t compare this life to that one. Start fresh. If you have to spend time in the same room with your ex or his, be civil. Remember that you’ve all moved on. Don’t worry about his old life, just celebrate your new life together.
The author and her second (but first best!) husband.
Get Help Look, we already talked about the statistics being against you for a successful second marriage. If you get marriage counseling, that’s great. I always say that therapy is a sign of strength, not weakness. We all need help of some type now and then. Your marriage and your relationships with your children, are the most important earthly relationships you’ll ever have. Treat them gently and take extra care of them. You’ll go to the doctor for a physical concern, so go to a professional for relationship concern. It’s a third party who’s skilled in helping you and doesn’t have any skin in this game. They’re an unrelated set of eyes on the situation who’s there to help you sort things out and give you the tools to make this marriage amazing. Don’t pass up this opportunity to make a healthy choice if the need arises!
Develop a Better Picker Your first marriage may not have ended in divorce. I don’t want to assume. You may have had a beautiful relationship and you lost your spouse. I’m very sorry if that’s the case. This won’t apply that much to you.
If your union did end in divorce, there’s a fair chance that that spouse wasn’t healthy for you. Something went wrong. Going forward, make a better choice. Whatever you didn’t like in your previous spouse, make sure those traits aren’t present in your future one. If there were sketchy things about #1, make sure you learned about those red flags so you recognize them in a person before you marry them so you can end that relationship before it gets to the altar. Make sure you really recognize your worth. This is a second chance for you to be happy, to be equally yolked, and to have a true and loving partnership. You can do this. You deserve this. Make it amazing.
BONUS: If your new marriage comes with stepchildren, let your spouse handle those contacts. I don’t mean that you shouldn’t have relationships with them, just don’t feel you have to bend over backwards to win their love or acceptance. If you’re a good, loving person, they should come to accept you in time. It would be super if all blended families got along really well. But that doesn’t always happen. Do your best. That is all you can do. Make sure in dealing with the children (and all things, really), that you and your spouse get on the same page and present a united front. I can’t even tell you how important this is. Wait, I just did.
DOUBLE BONUS: LAUGH. Spend lots of time together and laugh. See funny movies. Have private jokes. Be each other’s best friend, lover, protector, and have each other’s backs. Don’t ever, EVER be disrespectful to each other. That hurts, man, and it’s so hard to come back from. So just don’t ever go there.
Cheers to New & Brave Love,
