5 Signs You’re in an Unhealthy Relationship
When I was dating my first husband, there were red flags that I didn’t really understand or know how to deal with. As an empath, I was “attracted” to the fact that he sadly didn’t have a happy family and had had a pretty difficult upbringing. He was broken. I was a natural “fixer” and peacemaker. And that combination was a horrible match-up.
Even though I wrote about the signs of healthy relationships, there’s more to unhealthy relationships than simply the absence of those positive things. Some elements might be hints of danger, even though you might not think of them that way at first blush.
Too Much Attention Can Be a Bad Thing: If your mate can’t seem to function outside of your presence and is constantly calling or texting you while you’re with friends, family, at school or work – anywhere but with them – it’s not a good sign. If they demand to check your phone or insist that you respond immediately to their texts or calls, this is not flattering. This is not love. This is possessiveness and control.
If they can’t let you have your time away from them and have their own interests to keep them occupied, it’s not healthy. Everyone needs their space, time, their own friends, and hobbies. Everyone.
Not Respecting & Supporting Your Goals & Dreams: You have dreams and goals, right? And nobody, especially your mate, gets to judge those aspirations…nobody gets to say if they’re worthy or silly. If it’s important to you, it should be important to your significant other. If your success feels threatening to them, that’s not okay.
In my first marriage, I became a closet writer because my dream of writing was scoffed at. I wrote in notebooks I’d tuck away on my bookshelf, starting and stopping stories. Eventually, I just stopped writing completely.
Chase your dreams, friends, and find someone who’s willing to run right alongside you, cheering you on every fast-paced step of the way. Choose the person who will be looking for ways to make your dreams come true.
Isolation & Control: If you’re fortunate enough to have a close family, keep them that way. Family is so important and you need that foundation of people who love you. Do not allow someone to convince you that your good family…isn’t.
A manipulator will want to drive a wedge between you and any support system you have. Why? Because if they strip away every supportive person in your life, you’ll be be fully dependent on the manipulator. Beware of someone who talks down about the family or friends who genuinely care for and support you. Trust your gut. If it feels bad, it is bad.
Keep your eyes open and don’t lose your ability to properly judge the reality of a situation. Insulting, undermining, questioning what you wear or say or do, deciding who you can and can’t talk to or spend time with, undermining how you cook or work or really anything for that matter, is another method of control.
If the manipulator can get you to second-guess all of your decisions, they’ve gained control and you will start to wonder if you even know what you like to eat anymore because they’re slowly taking away your ability to make confident decisions. Do. Not. Allow. This.
Disrespect of Any Kind: Flee. If the person insults you, doesn’t value you, makes you the butt of mean jokes, calls you names, or any kind of disrespect at all, this is someone who won’t respect anything about you and this relationship cannot be a success like this. People who value you, want to build you up. They know what a treasure you are and what a privilege it is to have you in their lives. They want what’s best and safe and good for you. They want you to be happy, not suffering with a hurting heart.
Be particularly aware of those slick backhanded insults that can almost be misconstrued as a “kinda sorta” compliment. Except they’re not.
Like: “You don’t look too fat in that dress” or “The room you painted isn’t as bad as I thought it’d be” or “Why can’t you work more…harder…better?” or “I guess dinner could have been worse!” Those make you pause for a second wondering was that meant to be nice or…? It’s meant to subtly chip away at your confidence and self-esteem.
Disrespect has no place in any relationship. Period. Once it’s lost, it was very difficult to recover it.
Friend, set your boundaries loud and clear before you say “yes” to even a first date and do not compromise them.
Physical Abuse: Under no circumstances should anyone ever threaten or put their hands on you in an unloving way. I remember being told regularly with a fist raised above my face, “I’m gonna knock your head off.” It was terrifying, intimidating, and believable. It was also all kinds of wrong.
If it’s only ever a threat and never actual physical abuse, don’t feel a bit comforted by that. You have no assurance whatsoever that those threats won’t be followed through on at any moment. Threats are damaging on their face. They’re frightening, hurtful, cause lasting emotional scars, and they’re dangerous!
If you ever catch yourself saying, “Well, at least he doesn’t hit me”, you need to seek help because you’re not safe. As well, you should never have to make excuses for your mate’s behavior. Be alarmed if you’re leaving events early because he got out of hand or embarrassed you. If you find yourself making excuses for volatile behavior because he was drinking/under stress/not himself, this is a major red flag. You shouldn’t be embarrassed by or frightened of someone who’s role is to be your partner.
“Partner” means “equal” say and mutual support. You share the risks and rewards, the ups and downs, equally as a team. If you’re feeling disrespected, oppressed, depressed, unappreciated, intimidated, hopeless, or helpless in your relationship, please speak with someone. Message me. Call a friend. Make a confidential appointment with your pastor or a therapist.
If there’s more crying than laughing or any type of fear, this isn’t good for you. Being “alone” doesn’t have to be scary. Don’t buy the lie that no guy will ever love you like this guy does. It’s never true. It’s a tactic. Don’t believe that being treated like garbage is any kind of life. It’s definitely not better than being on your own and gaining independence.
Girls, you deserve a mate who will love you in the true definition of the word. Do not settle for any less than this.
Would you stand by and let your sister, your mom, or your best friend engage in an unhealthy relationship like what’s described above? Would you say nothing? Of course not. Most likely, you would speak up because you couldn’t stand to see them mistreated. So stand up for you.
Love Brave & Live Wise,
