Are you brand new to dating or jumping back in? Both are frightening and intimidating and exciting, believe me.
If you’re going to dip your toe into the online dating scene though, there are some important things you need to know.
I’m an online dating success. That didn’t come without learning some life lessons…
After suffering and surviving an abusive marriage, I knew eventually I’d want to date and remarry, but I was certainly in no rush for that to happen. I had gained wisdom and was able to get myself to an emotional place of strength and toughness – tough with myself so I wouldn’t settle for anything less than the best treatment. I was terrified I’d choose wrong and end up in another painful relationship. I knew I had to be super wise and careful not to let that happen.
When I decided to peruse a couple dating sites, I learned some lessons along the way…some from friends who had dated online and some I just learned as I embarked on the journey.
The internet can be fun, you can make great connections, and as we know, it can be a pretty scary, ugly place at times as well. Same with dating sites. There are people on them who genuinely want to cultivate a relationship. There are also people who are predators and some are there to scam you. And there is everything in between. You can imagine.
Here are 5 things to make you a smarter online dater.
IF THEY GIVE WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION, RUN: Especially if their first (or first several) interaction with you is telling you their life story, any intimate physical or emotional details, or sketchy scenarios that don’t make sense, move on. I found that the men who sent long letters right out of the gate with personal stories about being widowed and their kids live across the world with relatives because he’s saving to move them to be with him, is a scam (actually happened). It doesn’t make sense. People should be cautious with what they share, not wide open.
TAKE YOUR TIME: I think it’s a great and smart idea to talk to someone awhile before meeting in person. Talk on the dating site, then graduate to email or phone calls. See if there’s any substance there, any things in common that can even sustain a first date or beyond. Find out a reasonable amount about this person to know if you want to take that leap and go out on a date. My husband and I chatted for three months before we met in person.
MEET IN A VERY PUBLIC PLACE: It’s a big deal to step out and meet a total stranger for a date. My husband and I are, like I said, an online dating success story. For our first date, we met in a very public place. I had taken screenshots of his Facebook profile, and left his phone number and address (you can find out a lot on Google!) and left that info with a trusted friend. I liked him. I felt like he was most likely trustworthy, but I didn’t know him well enough to make that judgement yet.
Remember, we’d never met. Before you meet someone in person, they have total control over how you see them. You only know about them what they want you to know, and it doesn’t mean any of it’s true. I knew I’d need to meet him more than once to be able to know if he was the real deal. I also told a friend exactly where we were and checked in on the hour so if she didn’t hear from me, she’d know where I was and call for help.
BE SUPER, SUPER, SUPER DISCERNING: Know what you want, what kind of person, what values you want them to have. Be really firm in that. It’s really easy for people to say everything they know you want to hear when they’re sitting safely behind a computer screen. People get that false sense of “bravery”. If something feels fishy, it’s fishy. Trust yourself and your intuition. Move on. You owe them nothing and even if you’ve invested a month into talking to them, be thankful it’s only a month, and that you escaped what could have eventually been a bad situation.
VALUE YOURSELF AND YOUR TIME: Don’t entertain people who aren’t respectful towards you, your time, your boundaries, and your feelings. People can get pushy online. A “favorite” message was “Do you want to go to dinner tonight or what?” Well, no. No, I don’t. Be strong for yourself and firm in what you want. That way you won’t be deterred into dating someone who just sounds good, but compromises your values. Be firm, girl. I’m serious. You compromise, you lose. Don’t get into a hurry. The right one will come along at the right time. Just be your best, strongest self, and you’ll be ready.
Be smart and be your own biggest fan,
