So many friends have confided in me this year especially their friendship breakup stories and my heart aches for theirs. Nobody, however, confided in me that they ended the friendship, but rather the other way around. In each situation it was the other person in the relationship who’d walked away, iced them out or in some other way put an end to things. In most situations, they were “ghosted” or at the very least, clearly avoided. A friendship ended so now what do we do?
A few women described former pals who slowly but surely distanced themselves, effectively ending the friendship. Of course friendships are sometimes for a season only and we tend to recognize their value and why they naturally ran their course. This isn’t that.
The common denominator among the stories from these women I’ve talked to in real life or online is they truly couldn’t pinpoint why the other person chose to end the friendship. There was no big blowup, no heated conversation, no falling out, nothing. It just ended.
It left the “abandoned” friend with questions and without closure. But often over time and with distance, we start to slowly identify the flaws and even sometimes, the toxicities, in the lost relationship. That’s a painful place to be, especially if it was a deep and lengthy friendship.
If you’re in this spot, you’re likely wondering why people choose to end friendships this way and what do you do about it you’re on the receiving end? Here are some things to consider as you navigate this healing process:
- Only you can determine how hard and how long you’ll try to get your former friend to communicate with you. I’m a firm believer that you shouldn’t chase anyone and if you have to convince them to be your friend, why would you want to?
- Longevity isn’t everything. People will say, “You’ve been friends for _____ years. You must save this.” We feel sad when a long marriage ends because if you’ve made it 20, 25, 30 whatever years, why quit now? But just because the relationship was long doesn’t mean it was good. That 30-year marriage or friendship might have seen an amazing 20 years, but the last 10? Not so much.
- Is it worth fighting for? This time apart has been forced upon you. Use it wisely. Reflect on the friend as well as the friendship. Trust me, that time and distance can be of tremendous value. You may discover some things that surprise you and it should afford you some clarity. If the friendship was toxic or had some toxic qualities, you’ll probably realize that the distance makes you feel a little freer, unencumbered. You may be surprised that you don’t miss the person or the relationship as much as you thought you would. Or you may miss them a lot. You’ll find out.
- People “ghost” or abandon relationships for a variety of reasons. One could assume a) they’re mad at you for a reason they refuse to share or think you should already know; b) they’re going through something and can’t handle maintaining the connection you had so they just drop it; c) they’ve changed and just don’t want to have to breakup so they just flee; d) I frankly don’t really know what other reasons they might have. I think ghosting anyone who hasn’t done something egregious isn’t a great way to handle things. If you’re mad, hurt or the relationship has simply run its course, just say that.
Communication is key in any relationship, we know. If it’s broken down, one person can’t fix it on their own. And as I said, you can’t force a person to communicate with you and I don’t recommend you try. Use your healthy boundaries here. How many times are you willing to reach out and be ignored (if that is indeed what’s happening)? Only you can draw that line.
Give it time, sweet friend. Give them space. If they want to talk to you, they will. Maybe the silence is saying everything you need to hear.
If you have truly soul-searched and have no idea why your friend has acted this way, move on with a clear conscience and let them go. Time may reveal some things you need to know. Don’t carry the weight of someone else’s actions. If you did something wrong, apologize. Otherwise, maybe this needed to happen. Maybe someday it will make sense or they’ll come back and explain and either renew the friendship or at least offer closure.
Be open to good friendships coming your way. There’s more room for new, true friends now.
You are worthy.
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