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melaniespickett@gmail.com

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Pumpkins, Winter Coats, and Aunt Jemima

Pumpkins, winter coats, and Aunt Jemima…What do these three items have in common? In my family, Halloween is the common denominator. Pumpkins are obvious. If you live in Michigan as I do, winter coats are an often unfortunate requirement for our Halloween costumes. You primp and prep for just the perfect costume, be it Raggedy Ann as it was for me one year or a baseball player as it was for my sister that same year (thanks to our older brother’s uniform). More often than not, once you reached that premium look you were striving for and were ready to hit the streets for that much sought-after candy, Mom stopped you.  “Make sure you wear your coat!” Heavy sigh. Seriously? It covers the whole costume! But Mom insisted so you did it. 

 

Growing up in a Christian home we still observed Halloween for what it meant to us at the time…dressing up as a non-scary character and having fun. I attended many Halloween parties as a child, bobbing for apples and trying to bite an elusive doughnut hanging from a string, all the while laughing with good friends. My Mom would make and painstakingly frost the pumpkin cutout sugar cookies she was nearly famous for and put up a few decorations. She’d buy candy, enough for the few neighborhood children who might stop by and special ones for us and little cousins she knew would be visiting. There was nothing frightening surrounding this day for us. It was about fun and love as we watched Mom prepare and enjoy what she did best, serving others and making them feel special, even on Halloween.

 

As for Aunt Jemima, well, that was a costume Mom cooked up for me one year. I think I was about 8 years old, too young to resist this crazy idea. But God love her, my Mom thought it was somehow perfect for me. She dressed me just like you’d think, painted face, a long prairie-type skirt, topping it off with a head scarf. The winter coat seemed to coordinate perfectly somehow. I remember wondering what on earth she was thinking with this costume choice. She was dressing me up as the syrup bottle lady!  I was unhappy with her creation and embarrassed when folks opened their doors, laughed, and one lady even made me stay at the door so she could call her husband to see me. Later, I was happy to realize that Aunt Jemima (as she appeared on the syrup bottle) was jolly. She had plump cheeks (I had plump cheeks at age 8), she looked happy, and signified something my Mom held dear, cooking. My Mom took a shine to these syrup bottles so much so that she collected them for decoration. What was once my worst Halloween memory somehow spun into a funny, joyful one.

 

Enjoy your day however you choose to acknowledge it. Be safe and kind, as you would any other day. And remember, 54 days until Christmas!

October 31, 2014
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Ten Things About the Duggars

When I say “The Duggars” most people know who I’m talking about. The Duggar family has been long-known as “the ones with all the kids.” They do have “19 Kids and Counting”, which is the appropriate title of their reality TV show on TLC. Many people have strong feelings about this larger-than-average family.  They either love them or…they don’t.

I’ll admit when they first came into the public eye (when there were fewer than 19 children), I wasn’t a fan. I couldn’t understand how it was responsible to have that many children. After all, how could parents possibly keep track of each one and give them much-needed undivided attention on a daily basis? I judged them, assuming the older kids all but raised the younger ones. I didn’t dislike them per se, but I didn’t understand their ways so I didn’t make any attempts to investigate and see what they were really about.

Eventually I gave them a chance and started watching their show here and there and no one was more surprised than I to find that this family grew on me. Here are my ten reasons why:

1. I just plain like them.

The Duggars are likable, it’s just that simple. They seem like people who I could be friends with and have some laughs with and learn from.

2.  They have an unshakable faith. 

The Duggars have been raked over the coals time and again for their beliefs and the way they choose to live. But they’re confident in their spirituality and they haven’t let the criticism sway them. They live out their faith.

3.  They’re honest about their mistakes. 

Jim Bob and Michelle have been open about some mistakes they made early on in their life. They’ve copped to some debt and some other circumstances they’d change if they could go back and do so. They are very straight forward that some of their parenting strategies are formed around preventing their children from making similar poor decisions.

4.  They make messes.

There is a big bunch of little ones running around the Duggar house which translates into bigger messes than in most homes. The struggle is real, people. Keeping a house neat and tidy when we have two children is practically an Olympic event some days. Imagine keeping any kind of order with 19 (nineteen!) kids playing, finger painting, making blanket forts.  They don’t pretend that they’ve got it all together at all times. There are messes and they just clean them up and move on to the next one.

5.  They laugh a lot.

Laughter is huge in my life. I’m a firm believer in laughing every chance there is. So when I see this family joking around, especially between Jim Bob and Michelle, it really endears me. The family that laughs together, stays together.

6.  They shop secondhand and are proud of it.

Be still my heart. Celebrities who buy secondhand! I’m a bargain shopper, born and bred, and even if I break the millionaire tax bracket someday, I’ll still be a bargain shopper. Why pay more for something if you don’t have to? The Duggars buy secondhand and even make some of their own clothing and it’s admirable and it’s also smart. They make good use of what God has given them.

7.  They have real talents and interests.

It appears most if not all of the Duggar children have musical ability. They take musical lessons and have vast interests. Many of the boys help with construction and home improvement (as we saw when the family readied an investment home for newlyweds Jill and Derick).

Jill has a love of midwifery and coaching mothers and helping newborns enter the world and the other children have displayed various interests. They are individuals and their uniqueness shows.

8.  They have each other’s backs.

There is real comradery and support amongst the members of the Duggar family. There is genuine love and tenderness and a healthy amount of teasing. But overall, the kids seem very supportive and truly happy for the others’ successes.

9.  They have great hair.

Seriously, this family has been blessed from a follicular standpoint. The girls have long hair and volume for days. It’s beautiful and I’ve noticed them mention more than once how they enjoy doing each other’s hair in different braids and curls.

10. They make it all work.

I’m sure they’re like any other family. They have problems. There are cross words and sibling rivalry that crop up. But they love each other and have developed a system and they make it work. It seems effortless, but I’m sure it’s not. To make sure 19 kids and 2 parents are cared for and have the attention they need is sure to be a challenge but they’re in it together.

They’re a formidable team and their faith is the glue that makes them stick. They’ve really endeared themselves to me over the years and I’ve found myself tearing up at the wedding proposals and cheering for them as Michelle and Jim Bob become grandparents and in-laws to the young people marrying into their family. As they go on mission trips, help others, and keep on keeping on, I’ll keep on tuning in.

 

October 28, 2014
Breaking the Chains of Abuse
Abuse and Self Care

Breaking the Chains of Abuse

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I could begin with startling statistics of “a woman is battered by her spouse every x seconds” or cite how many people die yearly at the hands of their partner. I’m sure the numbers would be sobering, scary, and sickening. They’re valuable numbers but sometimes they’re hard to reconcile. Would they alone move you to help or to recognize the signs in a friend or family member who may be on the receiving end of abuse? Sometimes we assume abuse is visible.  It isn’t always. Not all domestic abuse leaves a physical mark. Although when we think of an abusive situation, we may immediately think of a woman donning sunglasses to cover a blackened eye or long sleeves to cover bruises on her arms, physical abuse is not the only abuse that’s both painful and damaging.

Verbal and emotional abuse is typically invisible. It doesn’t leave a mark…on the outside. The scars and wounds that verbal and emotional abuse leave are usually hidden, often deep inside the victim.  In an ongoing abusive relationship of this type, the wounds sometimes rarely have a chance to heal over before they’re jabbed again, reopened and bleeding. The abuse is sometimes subtle to the casual observer. The abuser goes to great lengths to hide what he (or she) is up to. But for the person on the wrong end of the pain, it’s devastating, injurious, and demoralizing.

My experience with this is intimate. I was the abused. It was lonely, isolating, and humiliating. I felt I couldn’t confide in anyone because the behavior was so demeaning (and sometimes bizarre) that I felt no one could possibly understand and that everyone would judge. I never felt I deserved it or asked for it, but I also never understood it. I felt like he just couldn’t feel adequate unless he was making someone else (me) feel inadequate.  His deep need to feel superior and important fueled him and any time he could see me rise above his abuse, he would lay it on even harder to push me back down. He couldn’t tolerate me having any success or attention. It was all about power and manipulation and maintaining control over another person. It took me a long time to realize the things he called me and said about me had nothing to actually do with me, but they had everything to do with him.

The abuser in this sort of situation is usually savvy.  He or she knows when to strike and how. They are astute in knowing how much they can get away with in front of others and still come off looking like a devoted spouse. They are often narcissistic, blaming their significant other for anything and everything, because they (the abuser) are never at fault, not for anything. They cannot accept responsibility for their actions and regularly tell tall tales, tales in which they are always the hero. They pride themselves on being good providers, champions for their families, veritable saviors, so say their public personas.   All the while, they are berating the person they are supposed to cherish, at every turn. “You’re not good enough.”  “You don’t dress right.” “You can’t cook.” “You don’t really think you can accomplish that, do you?” “You’re lucky you have me or you’d be nowhere.”  “Nobody else could ever love you as much as I do.” They lead their mate to believe that the only thing that gives them the slightest amount of value is the fact that they (the abuser) give them the time of day.

Sometimes the abused start to believe the lies. Maybe they really don’t have value. Maybe they really don’t have anything to offer. Maybe they really are lucky to have him or her, because they’d be lost otherwise. Sometimes they just give up and give in, resigning themselves to the (false) fact that this is the type of existence they deserve, that this is all they will ever have, and that they just have to endure it. But they also probably very secretly wish their mate would just haul off and smack or punch them. Violent though it may sound, the physical pain would heal faster and hurt less than the emotional pain they feel with every insult slung at them.  And sometimes, they get their wish.  Often verbal and emotional abuse is a gateway to physical violence.

The world outside looks happier than the dark existence in which you’re living. Photo: Courtesy David Pickett Photography

 

Please don’t discount this type of abuse. Mental, emotional and verbal abuses are just as damaging and lasting as any other type of abuse. It hurts and wears on a person. People suffering with this need help just as much as any other type of abusive relationship. And many times things escalate into the physical. If you suspect a friend or loved one may be involved in a relationship of this nature, listen to your gut. Make note of those subtle, backhanded comments from the spouse or other suspicious behavior. Be available for them both and willing to help if the situation deems necessary. Everyone says a cross word to someone they love at some point or other and they’re sorry, make amends, and move on. But when it’s a habit and a means of controlling another individual, it’s abuse as sure as anything and it’s as painful as a fist to the face.

If you’re going through this lonely walk of pain, please know you’re not alone. You have nothing  to be ashamed about. You are good enough. You are worthy. Reach out to a trusted friend for help because you are worth saving. 

October 22, 2014
Uncategorized

Maybe Seventeen Can Understand

“Now Anne, don’t look as if you were trying to understand. Seventeen can’t understand.”

In L.M. Montgomery’s Anne of Green Gables, Miss Lavendar explained to Anne her inability at age seventeen to understand Miss Lavendar’s life as a spinster at forty-five. This is curious especially to me, at not quite forty-five, while my daughter is turning seventeen. Seventeen years ago this wrinkly, crying, precious, dark-haired girl entered my world and turned it on its head. When I laid eyes on her for the first time, I had a very real epiphany. In that first moment when our eyes met in the delivery room, I suddenly had great understanding of everything my parents ever did in an attempt to raise me into a good person. In that moment, I came to understand unconditional love and intense vulnerability. The most important part of your life is now outside your body, it’s not you any more. It’s this little person and I made a silent and solemn vow to do everything in my power to protect and nurture this tiny creature.


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I’ve watched this girl of mine grow in inspiring ways. Physically of course, she’s no longer the chubby toddler with the China doll face who pattered around clutching “Blankie” in true Linus fashion. She depended on me for her every need.  She’s tall now, looking me in the eyes, and beautiful. She teaches me. I don’t think she knows that. But I’ve learned from her strength and her intellect.  She has an old soul, a fact I noted when she was barely old enough to read. Compassion and insight have always been two of her most unique qualities. It is a true honor to witness her becoming. I remind her that she has an amazing fresh life ahead of her. The slate is clean, the canvas is blank, and she can paint her life with the most brilliant colors and adventures.

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I admire who she has chosen to be. Her faith in God is steadfast. She has had plenty of reason to wonder what He’s up to and why, but she’s held on to what she knows and Who. She has had to let go of two critically important men in her life…my father and her own dad.  She has a courage she shouldn’t have needed by this age.  She and her brother, they are my champions. But I wonder if she knows when my eyes fill with tears when she talks about college and life beyond this house, that it’s part sadness and part joy and pride so overwhelming that it spills from my eyes. She may not understand that when I wax nostalgic about the little girl who loved Polly Pocket, finger paint, and hated having her hair brushed, that I’m happily reminiscing but also trying to hold onto that little girl in purple overalls a bit longer.

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I’ve watched her own the basketball court and lately, take the stage with her love of theatre. She’s a protective big sister and a not afraid to speak up for what is right, even if it’s not popular. She has elegance and beauty that emanate from within, displaying the loveliness of her heart. She won’t understand how undeniably beautiful, how sassy and brilliant, how perfectly unique I know she is…not until she looks into the eyes of her own child someday. Then she will see what I see.

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Happy Birthday to my stunning, sunny girl. You have such a bold future, full of cleverness and grand thrills. I love you fiercely. Don’t just dream your dreams.  Live them, sweet girl.

October 18, 2014