Have you been in unhealthy relationships? Probably at least one at some point, right? I sure have.
I’m still figuring out why: what led me to believe I didn’t deserve more…why I wanted to stay…what made me think I could fix it…or fix them.
When I was a junior in high school the assignment in my Creative Writing class was to find a favorite poem and act it out. I chose this poem that I’m going to share with you. Bear with me and you’ll discover its importance.
What surprises me about this poem is that I didn’t listen to it…then. I have loved the words all these years and felt their meaning and knew how true they were. But I just couldn’t apply them in my own life and empower myself. It’s so often hard to think of ourselves as deserving of good things, good people, strength. To paraphrase Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman “the bad stuff is easier to believe.” Vivian could have used this poem too.
I read this poem again recently and thought how powerful it is, how encouraging, and I knew I had to share it with you. I wanted to break down some of the lines and explain their significance, especially since I write often about healthy relationships, boundaries, and self care. It’s a bit of a harsh, in-your-face talking to, but if you’re like I was, you may need it today.
“After awhile you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul”. Of course these are my interpretations of this work of art, and your interpretation may differ. (If it does, please share your thoughts with me in the comments below. I’d love to hear them!) Holding a hand implies ease of relationship, something sweet and loving. “Chaining a soul” though seems brash and confining, as if someone is being kept where they don’t want to be, physically or emotionally (or both). Don’t chain and don’t be chained. Seek out relationships that are good for you and for the other person.
“And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning, And company doesn’t mean security, And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts, And presents aren’t promises.” Pretty heavy, right? While this poem may in places make relationships sound cold, I don’t feel that’s what the author meant (although, of course, I’m not inside her head to know for sure). I think maybe it’s just the harsh reality of some relationships. Simply being with someone casually or committed, doesn’t mean they’re going to stick around forever. Because they’ve kissed you, or more, doesn’t mean they’re tied to you always. Presents don’t mean commitment. You have to be okay with you and sound and stable so you’re not entangling your worth and ability to survive in another person. You need to know that even if it hurts for awhile, you can be okay without that romantic partner. If you don’t think you’ll be okay and don’t believe in your survival absent of them, you’ll do anything to keep them even when the relationship and the person are no longer good for you. Dangerous.
“And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, With the grace of a woman, Not the grief of a child.” Wow, huh? We women are powerful. We are strong. We just don’t believe that so easily. We have more chutzpah and ability than we almost ever give ourselves credit for. We were made tough. There’s a reason God equipped us to do the hard work of growing a life and bringing a child into this world. That’s strength. We will have defeats and we need to hold our heads high and “with the grace of a woman,” forge ahead. We can’t cower and whine and play victim. We deal and we move ahead, stronger than we were. We are brave. We are survivors.
“And you learn to build your roads on today, Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans, And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.” Ever been through something bad? Like a job loss, a person loss, a divorce? It’s like a wall goes down between how it was and how it is. You already may know the phrase “We make plans and God laughs.” Pretty much. Of course we plan. We can’t just meander through life void of any goals and focus, but it does mean that we make the most of what and who we have right now.
“After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.” This is one of my favorite parts of this poem. Do you feel like you got a mini pep talk? That’s how I feel every time I read it. And with each piece of the rest of the poem, I feel more empowered. Even something great can sometimes end up hurting us (like the sun). It is certainly lovely when someone appreciates us and brings us those flowers. But we don’t wait around for someone to treasure us and see us. We need to treasure ourselves and know our own value. We need to be the best of ourselves before we can seek out that amazing person who will treasure us the way we should be.
“And you learn that you really can endure, That you really are strong, And you really do have worth, And you learn and learn, With every goodbye you learn.” People come and go in your life and I believe this poem speaks most about people choosing to leave your relationship. We need to learn that if people aren’t willing to see our worth, that we can be strong enough to let them go. Maybe it won’t be forever, but it will be until they value us the way we should be, the way we value others. You will learn from others. You’ll learn what you want, what you don’t, and with every relationship, you’ll learn more about yourself. But remember those words “You really are strong. And you really do have worth.” Those words may be the most important of all.
Be encouraged!
