Drama.
The word itself looks looming, suspicious that it’s something a bit shady.
Most of us don’t like drama. We cringe when we sense it coming. We’re already tired most of the time and engaging in drama takes more energy than we have to spare.
What if someone comes at you with false accusations? Unfair badgering? Unfounded judgements?
You want to defend yourself, right? Set them straight? I mean, your very reputation may be at stake here.
Often drama comes with a mob mentality. When someone starts drama with you, they usually don’t come alone. They have a few buddies who will back them up, even if they’re completely irrelevant to the situation. They can’t instigate alone. They need those people to chime in and cheer them on.
You need to walk away. And you shouldn’t feel guilty about putting distance between you and toxicity. It’s not easy, friends, but I’ll share what I’ve learned.
We all know those people who thrive on drama. They need to be involved in a drama-heavy situation. It seems to feed some sort of need they have. If there isn’t drama in their life, they will create it. We can steer clear of it and incur as little damage as possible when it comes for us.
Here are there steps I’m learning to employing when drama is staring you down:
Check Yourself: When someone starts slinging mud at you, it’s really hard not to react in anger. “Who does she think she is talking to me that way?!” Or “That’s not true! Why would they say that about me?!” But we simply cannot react from a place of anger and hurt. It might feel good in the moment to shoot back some great zingers, but wait awhile. It doesn’t sound like such a great idea any more when you’ve cooled off, and when you spout off in anger, what it actually does feel like is pretty crappy when you realize you said some things you normally wouldn’t have had you waited and reacted with a cooler head.
Breathe. Absorb the hit of the words. If it’s in person, button your lip and walk away. If it’s in a text, email, voicemail, etc., set it aside. Walk away and let some time pass. Vent to a mate or a friend. Write your rant in a letter then throw it away. Get out those initial words you’d like to say and maybe even sleep on it. I can almost guarantee that your knee-jerk, in-the-moment reaction will look much different than the way you’d react once you’ve slept on it. You don’t need to fight. As it’s written, God will fight for you. You need only be still.
Consider the Source: Where is this attack coming from? Is this person wounded? Jealous? Dysfunctional? Codependent? There are so many possibilities. Most likely, they’re seeking some sort of attention from you and this dramatic, negative way is the only avenue they know how to get it. Maybe they lack the necessary communication skills to convey in healthy language what their beef is, so acting out and creating a dust-up is all they can manage. Maybe making you out to be the bad guy covers up their own guilt or inadequacy. Maybe they simply are ill-equipped to cope with what’s bothering them and dramatic attack is the only way they feel heard. (Lots of “maybe’s”, but gosh, it’s hard to determine exactly why people enjoy drama!)
But listen: I’m not saying the drama-seekers are bad people. What I am saying is there something in them that is unwilling to be reasonable and because of that, any attempts at reason won’t be accepted.
Remember this: Someone else’s desire for drama or need to verbally attack is not about you. Reasonable, rational people discuss their issues and don’t launch an attack. Keep perspective. Pray.
Walk Away, Boundaries and Dignity Intact: The attack comes. You want to respond and sarcasm seems to be what would feel best. But we’ve established it’s not. I can speak from experience when I say that trying to reason with someone who’s bent on acting this way is a fool’s errand. It will turn into the mother of all cyclical arguments and suck all the energy out of you. Not to mention, it leaves you feeling less than great about yourself when you’ve allowed yourself to get reeled back in like a fish on a hook.
And taking the bait is so easy to do! You want to defend yourself and tell them all the reasons what they’re saying is neither fair nor accurate, but I’ve fought back and even though I didn’t hit below the belt, I realized the “fight” was futile. Maybe it wasn’t wrong, but it certainly wasn’t helpful. Do not engage! Alert! Do not engage! The drama-seekers are not interested in truth, meaningful conversation or resolution. They simply like the drama itself, the ongoing back and forth, trading useless barbs.
Only you can judge your specific situation best and choose your response. But please…choose wisely. Perhaps an “I’m sorry you feel that way. I’d love to talk this over when you’re in a better place.” Or “I can see you’re very angry so I’m going to have to walk away until you can treat me respectfully.” You’ve put the kibosh on any further fight and hopefully have taken the wind (and drama) out of their sails, but haven’t shut the door on the possibility of future amends.
Chances are, for someone to come at you with such ferocity indicates they’re operating from some sort of deficit, be it pain from a past hurt that has nothing to do with you, a need to assert their power because they feel powerless in other areas or maybe it’s even a defense mechanism (I’ve seen all three occur). React kindly. I know it’s so hard to do that. Boy, do I. But I’m telling you, if you can step back and gather yourself and choose your words and response very carefully, you will be so glad you did.
Remember this: They’re hurting too. No matter what, people don’t act like this out of warm, fuzzy feelings and in a time when all is right in their world. Even though you may have nothing to do with the reason they’re angry or hurting, they may still be directing all that at you.
Go hold your head high. Don’t be a doormat. You can stand your ground with very few words and loads of respect for yourself, the situation, and even the other person. Remember that a harsh word turns away wrath so as hard as it is, don’t react out of anger. Keep your head about you, pray about it, respond gently, and walk away.
Be Healthy,
