This week I step forth into another milestone year of my forties as I celebrate another blessed birthday. Some people squirm and cringe at the thought of their birthday creeping up; some even claim “I don’t celebrate birthdays any more.” This hurts a little when I hear it. I understand the fear of growing old and facing the sad effects of gravity on our bodies, of looking back in surprise at how much time has passed and how quickly. But every year…every breath…is a gift. When my birthday rolls around each year, I’m thankful for it. It is a bit sobering, I’ll admit, to see that I’m approaching my mid-forties when I remember fondly the days I thought thirty was ancient. But I’ve watched my parents face death. I’ve watched friends leave this world. I’ve had my own brushes with it too and I’m delighted to be here. I want to be here. I’ve got a lot to do yet and I’m grateful to be here doing it, to watch my babies grow and experience life with them and my husband.
This age is beautiful. There is an amazing liberation that comes with Forty. I say “Forty” with a capital “F” because the age is like this monument to our freedom: freedom from opinions and self-esteem downers, from giving a crap about what others think because we’ve pretty much come into our own and we’re really good with that. I wanted to share with you some lessons I’ve learned and things I’ve gained since entering my Forties.
With age comes freedom. The older I become, the more confidence I have. There’s sweet truth that upon turning 40, this confidence and freedom from caring so much (or at all) what others think is a surprise and welcome gift. I no longer seek the approval of everyone. I have experience and wisdom I hadn’t possessed in years past. I’ve survived ugly, painful circumstances. I’ve learned to be a good mother, a better friend, a supportive wife, and a healthy person. I’m no longer interested in the opinions of others in regards to how I choose to live (with the exception of God, my husband and children). If someone doesn’t like me, it no longer crushes me. I get that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea and guess what? Not everyone is my cup either. And it’s okay. The sun will still rise.
Younger me: Feel free to be you!
My faith has grown. As it should, my faith has deepened and matured over the years, but especially since turning 40. Though I was raised in a Christian home and have always had God in my life, I considered myself a baby Christian most of my life. When I’d participate in Bible studies, I’d marvel at what some of the other ladies could extract from Bible passages or study lessons, and I felt so out of the God relationship loop. Now, I have a much better understanding and feel more mature in my walk. I’ve by no means got it all figured out, but I feel like I’ve developed a friendship with God, a one-on-one where I can really listen openly for what He wants me to hear.
True friendships are mandatory. I’ve been through some real stuff, as I’ve mentioned. And I’m sure many of you have been through some intense life situations as well. Just like family, our friends are so important especially during these times of great challenge. The friends who show up when you’re world feels like you’re living in a snow globe and it just got turned upside down and shaken all around, those are your real friends. Those are your 3 a.m., true blue, gold and silver friends. Love them well. Appreciate them. Thank God for their presence, their words, their willingness. Be the same friend to them. My best friend since grade school, Jennifer, has become more and more important to me and more necessary as time goes on. I need her in my life now more than ever.
My children are my greatest joys and accomplishments. Although I’d love to, I don’t have “Ph.D.” after my name. I haven’t cured anything. I haven’t (yet) published anything. I haven’t made millions of dollars and I don’t have a mansion on a sprawling estate. And it’s okay. While all of those things are wonderful, if I never achieve any of them, I will still be happy. I have birthed two amazing, beautiful, smart, loving children. They love God. They know Him. They seek Him when they’re scared, worried, and unsure. They’re figuring out life little by little as they go (as do we all). They’re making good choices and learning from the not-so-good ones. They hug me. They kiss me. They tell me they love me. Once in awhile, they utter those precious, life-breathing words that give my existence meaning, “You’re a good mom.” I will never love anyone more fiercely than I do my children.
Health matters more. While we want to be skinny and we want to be told how skinny and pretty we are, it can’t be our focus. It’s all about health now. We want to feel good as well as look good, but health comes first. We can’t stay up all night and still look dynamite the next day. That went by the wayside when the clocked ticked “30 years old”, maybe sooner. We have such fun struggles as thyroid disease, thinning hair, creaky knees, fibromyalgia and daily pain, any number of those adorable signs of aging. But we are strong. We’re simply mid-race in this life and we’ve got chutzpah on our side. If you haven’t already, this is a great time to develop a regular fitness routine and not only battle the bulge but just make yourself feel better and be strong. Strong is the new skinny. Fight for your health.
I’m comfortable in my own skin. Along the same vein as health, we need to be comfortable with who we are emotionally, mentally, and physically. If you’re not jazzed about your form, change it. It might not be a walk in the park, but a walk in the park would literally start a better physical health journey so give it a whirl. There are body parts I’d tweak if I could and I’m working on them. I’ve managed to appreciate the little smile lines on my face because I remember I’ve had a lot to laugh about. The scars on my stomach remind me of the healthy babies I have and the other surgeries I’ve suffered and survived. They’re my battle scars and I wear them proudly. One doctor offered to “remove” my largest scar from a surgery that saved my life and my son’s while he was still in utero. No way, was my response. I’m proud of it. Be comfortable with the cellulite, the scars, the jiggles here and there. That body is strong and has brought you through a lot. Be proud of it. Dress it up beautifully and parade it around. Don’t hide it and don’t let anyone tell you that you should.
My parents were geniuses. I still don’t agree with all of my parents’ decisions or parenting style. The reasoning behind some of their choices still escape me to this day and they’re no longer here for me to ask them to explain. But their overall ability to parent, be good partners, keep a lovely home, and raise us into adulthood with very little bumps was no small feat. When I recall certain times I thought they were ridiculous and crazy, way too strict and unreasonable, it all makes sense to me now. Everything they did, crazy or not, was an attempt to keep us safe, to guide us in the right direction, and encourage our love for God. They succeeded, those geniuses.
It’s okay to say ‘no’. We’ve all been there…overwhelmed with projects, activities, committees. It’s okay to say ‘no’ to things and to people. Whether it’s just too much on your plate to handle with work, kids, the house, the husband, the Bible studies, the bake sales, the classroom mom or team mom: you can’t be everything and don’t you dare feel like you have to! What do you want to do? Do those things. What do you have time to do? Do those things. Certainly, sometimes we have to do some things we don’t want to like taking your turn bringing snack to your child’s sports practices or games. It’s okay to admit and say out loud that you simply can’t make something for the bake sale this week. Or buy cookies and donate them if you’d like. Don’t run yourself into the ground trying to be something we can’t possibly be.
Furthermore–and this is important–you can say ‘no’ to relationships. People can be toxic and although I preach this a lot it begs repeating: you must set healthy boundaries in all relationships. Don’t get sucked into someone else’s drama. Don’t be pushed around by or engage with someone who’s going to buy you tickets on a guilt trip you don’t belong on. Demand respect and feel comfortable telling someone “It’s not okay to talk to me that way” and walk away. Keep a healthy distance from those who will unfairly blame you for the string of bad things that have happened in their lives. Don’t go down the rabbit hole chasing the narcissist you’ll never be able to please. It was a hard lesson to learn but I’ve learned it. I didn’t know it was okay to back away from people who were unhealthy, who were self-absorbed and toxic, who blamed me for things I had nothing to do with. I thought it was my job to fix it, to fix them. Hear me now: it’s not my job and it’s not yours either. If people need to be fixed or healed or need help, they have to be willing to admit it, accept it, and ask for it. You cannot do this for them. But you can pray they’ll see that light and take those steps for themselves.
I’m excited to be celebrating another year here. I’m ecstatic to embark on the next year, next decade, hopefully the next few decades. I look forward to growing old and according to the Facebook app, in fifty years I’ll be a sassy grandma sporting shades, a hat, and a snappy argyle cardigan. Apparently I’ll be spry and concerned about sun exposure. So I’ve got a lot to look forward to, but the best things I’m excited about are continuing to walk beside my children on their life journeys and be here to offer advice and always love and support. I look forward to growing old with my husband and the adventures that will bring. We’ll travel and dance and cuddle our children and grandbabies and puppies. Life is sweet and it’s going to get even sweeter.
What have you learned with age? If you’re 20 or 30-something, what do you look forward to as you get older?
