Is there a family member who likes to verbally jab you?
Are they passive-aggressive or outright mean to you?
Do they manipulate you or try to guilt you into doing things their way?
Do they try to make you feel guilty or bad for what you’ve accomplished or lay a guilt trip in order to coerce you into doing things you don’t really want to do, or don’t have the time, money or energy to accomplish?
These are family bullies…
There was a heartwarming and heartbreaking response to my recent post about bullying. Folks shared their personal stories involving themselves or a loved one.
It’s widespread, friends. Bullying is everywhere and it hurts.
But what if it’s happening in our homes? What if the bully is inside our circle, our family?
When you read that sentence, I’ll bet that for many of you a specific family member came instantly to mind, maybe a few members.
Often, the family member bullies others under the guise of being helpful: they’ll offer parenting “tips” or fashion “advice” that all come across as pushy and insulting and are passive-aggressive remarks. The offender might actually sometimes believe they’re being helpful. But they’re not.
Boundaries come in really handy in these situations once you start to see the behavior sneaking into a conversation. Being prepared can help you head off the insults before they start or at least effectively deal with them once the words have left the bully’s mouth.
Words hurt. Words can be tiny murders or great life-givers; it all depends on what words you use and how you use them.
Family bullies may need to be dealt with differently than a bully at school or work, but they can be equally as harmful.
A friend shared with me this great article about family bullies and the best ways to cope with them and, well, I thought the techniques were a little genius. They’re helping you delicately deal with the issue, but also showing you how to do so firmly while keeping your decorum and promoting peace within your family, close and extended.
Psychology Today has some really helpful links about bullying that address the topic from several perspectives.
My favorite part of this article was the simple use of two words: “Excuse me?” A nonconfrontational use of eye contact and two words put the offender on notice. They seem to say “I know what you said. I know it was a dig. It’s not acceptable.”
Remember: Just as bullies outside the family, bullies inside your family are suffering as well. Healthy and well-functioning folks don’t bully, so we need to be compassionate but firm and adamant that the bullying cease. For every bully, there’s the person inside who’s hurting and inflicting emotional (sometimes physical!) pain onto others because they aren’t handling themselves or their own pain.
You have every right and necessity to stand up for yourself, even within family relationships. Some may say it’s a duty to stop it because if you allow bullying within the special confines of your family, you very well may be enabling the person to bully in the “outside” world. It’s something to ponder, for certain. It’s worth the effort because everyone wants a happy family. The best way to accomplish that is to be open, loving, and communicative.
Who’s causing you pain in your family? What can you do to preserve your heart but promote a peaceful resolution with that person? How can I help? Can I pray for a specific relationship to come to healing?
Be encouraged this weekend. Take some time for yourself to relax and just breathe. Whatever you’re facing, you’re not facing it alone.
