You’ve been hurt, perhaps devastatingly so. You’ve been betrayed or even abused and the relationship has ended.
How do you go on?
I know where you are. I’ve been there in the “in-between” and it can be a nourishing, empowering place.
When I was suddenly and unexpectedly single after my first marriage ended , it was a painful time. I wrote about the “aftermath” and the moving on and I want to tell you about that rich “in-between” period, the one where I was feeling healthy but very much a single mother on my own.
That may have been one of the most enlightening, peaceful times of my life to date.
When you’ve been in an unhealthy relationship and your life opens up for the possibility of a new love someday, you want to make sure it’ll be a healthy one. Mistakes won’t be repeated.
In my first marriage, I truly did my best. I was supportive to a fault (if there is such a thing). But I’m sure there were times I was weak when I should have been strong, loud when I should have been quiet, stubborn when I should have been flexible.
We all use hindsight as a microscope, examining the “would haves”, “should haves” and “why didn’t I?”
Instead of smacking ourselves over the heads with regret, let’s use that information to propel ourselves forward into health.
Give yourself time. Please, please give yourself time. It’s been said that a rebound relationship can be useful, that it can reinforce what you do and don’t want. While it can be a convenient distraction from dealing with what you need to deal with, it’s probably not the ideal method to promote healing. In fact, it can end up causing even more junk to heal from and compound and prolong your process.
This is a great time to baby yourself. Allow time to get to know you again. If you’re like I was, I found myself not really knowing what I liked and disliked because I was always giving in to someone else and my opinions had been so ridiculed that I practically stopped having any. While my fundamental beliefs never changed, the littler things were oppressed. I needed time to rediscover who I was as a single, 40-year-old mama. I remember watching Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts and the “egg scene” got me. She had allowed herself to be so absorbed in what each mate had liked, wished for and dreamed, that she lost herself. I could relate. She didn’t even know how she liked her own eggs!
Make this period of your life beautiful and free: take a vacation. Go somewhere you’ve always wanted to go and do something you’ve always wanted to do. Do it by yourself. Don’t be afraid. Be safe, of course, but just go and get to know yourself and enjoy it, even if it’s a weekend away. Get in a better headspace.
Reinvent yourself. What if this is the perfect time for a career change? A return to school to finish that degree that’s eluded you for years? How do you feel about a new hairstyle? Or a new wardrobe? You could start working out. Or if you already workout, teach a class and help someone else reinvent him or herself. Explore new interests. See what you like and what you’re good at. You may have gifts you didn’t know you had. Or you may have gifts and talents God’s just going to bring to the surface now as you grow.
Be the best you.
Make the list. In the in-between when I was single but healing and not yet ready to move on into the dating world again, I made a list. I knew I was a good wife, that it was a role God meant for me to be in, and I knew that a union where both people are respectful, loving, and in a genuine partnership, can be beautiful, rich, and healthy. I wanted that and aspired to have it someday. But in the “in-between”, I made The List.
The list had about a dozen items that any man I would even entertain dating seriously, must possess. Your list might look much different than mine. They’re the items that you absolutely cannot waffle on. Some of mine included “loves Jesus and lives like it”, “loves my children as his own”, “treats us with respect always”, “is funny”, and so on.
I remember an episode of “The Real Housewives of Somewhere Fancy” where the wives were discussing such lists. One wife said she had a list of upwards of 150 items. I can’t even imagine what this list entailed. I’m a mid-maintenance gal versus this wife’s apparent sky-high maintenance. I covered all my absolute must-haves in 15 items or less.
But I promised myself quite sternly, I would not deviate from the list. I would not make concessions. Period.
I had to be prepared (as cold as it may sound) to walk away from any relationship–no matter how hard that may be–that didn’t meet this super-important criteria. I knew I would resent any relationship (and person) whom I gave in for. That’s how significant these items were. Little did I know, Mr. Right was making a list of his own.
Remember your worth. Please remember. I know it’s hard, especially if there’s been anyone in your life who’s been lying to you, telling you you’re not good enough. Throw away those thoughts. Just pitch them. In the garbage. And let the garbage man drive them away never to return. You are worthy of good treatment. You are worthy of respect and kindness, of loving relationships with solid boundaries and meaningful conversations. You are worthy of being wooed and pursued!
I’ve been reading a book about just that: our worth and what we tend to believe as opposed to what’s really true. On Friday, I’m going to share that with you and some quotes that reached out and grabbed me. It was like this book got me and I’m sure it will resonate with many of you as well. Come back with me and let’s keep the conversation going.
Decide you how like your eggs…
