I took this Narcissism Quiz today on Time Magazine’s website.
I scored well below the national average and I’m more than 10 points lower than what they consider “flirting with narcissism.” I wasn’t worried. I’ve seen real-life narcissism-the scary kind-and it isn’t me.
You’ve probably seen the real thing in action though, right? It’s exasperating to deal with someone who is a true narcissist:
- They accept no accountability but blame others.
- Believe everything they do is high praise-worthy.
- If someone points out where they’re incorrect or their behavior is wrong, they discard that person, sometimes even to the point of walking out of that relationship.
- When they’re called out, they project their behavior back on the person calling them out.
- When you even mildly disagree with them, they see it as a personal attack and can withdraw from you or be standoffish.
It’s hard to deal with this. Frustrating is an understatement. If you’re close to a person who struggles with narcissism then it’s an almost certainty you’ve had those horrid cyclical arguments that go something like this:
You’re trying to tell them why you feel wronged by them in a certain instance (because they legitimately wronged or hurt you and it’s something that really matters to you) and instead of owning their part, they don’t even address the subject at hand. Instead, they pull something out of the past or even something that never happened that you supposedly did wrong and they try to make the conversation about what you may or may not have done, instead. You try to explain “No, that’s not what this is about. We can talk about that later if you need to. But right here and now, it’s about this thing.”
But it just continues in this ugly, maddening circle of nothingness that goes nowhere except leaving you wanting to pull your own hair out in utter frustration.
You feel unheard. They feel victimized (even though they weren’t). It’s futile.
Then what do you do?
I have dealt with this personally. I was married to someone like this and it left me in tears most of the time. I’m a goal-setter, a doer. I like to accomplish things. When I have a conversation, especially one about something that’s important, I like it to be fruitful and for there to be some resolve at the end of it. To go round and round verbally and never have even a hint of mutual understanding, left me exhausted.
But I didn’t know then what I know now. I thought then that if I just said it enough, he’d finally understand. But that isn’t how this works. A narcissistic may never even see a glimmer of the truth if they’re at fault in it.
Here’s a really good article I found about narcissists and how to deal with them. You might dislike the parts that suggest we–the non-narcissists–have to do some work in order to help out the narcissist. It seems backwards because we already feel like we’re expending way too much energy. But remember, that narcissists are sometimes “built”. They can result from a narcissistic parent or their self-centered attitude can have been caused by an early trauma, or their parent(s) could have made them believe everything they ever did was just spectacular, so they believed it.
I believe early trauma was the cause in my first husband. In my armchair psychology voice, I always figured due to his abusive childhood, narcissism and denying any sort of responsibility for wrongdoing, was a defense mechanism. I imagined as a child if he got caught doing even a small thing he shouldn’t have been doing, he’d deny it ever happened. He’d lie his way out of it. Perhaps, he convinced himself in childhood, he never did that thing out of fear of the repercussions. Then the behavior just carried on into adulthood. I can’t say for sure, just my theory.
While we should have some measure of compassion for narcissists, we can’t allow them to categorically shirk accountability. I personally believe narcissists are actually quite insecure in themselves. I think that’s why if someone corrects them or says something they don’t like, they drop that person at lightning speed. They’re already insecure. They can’t have someone (inadvertently) reinforcing that! Again, my theory.
Maybe a narcissist talks about how wonderfully “faultless” they are and how happy they are repeatedly because if they can convince you these things are true, then maybe they can comfortably believe it as well.
This, by far, is my favorite article about narcissism on Psychology Today. I absolutely love the rights it lists and I’d love to highlight a few for you as well (remember, these come from Psychology Today. I didn’t write them). From Psychology Today here are a few of their rights:
- You have the right to be treated with respect.
- You have the right to express your feelings, opinions, and wants.
- You have the right to say “no” without feeling guilty.
- You have the right to take care of and protect yourself from being threatened physically, mentally or emotionally.
Remember: do what’s best for you. Don’t be afraid to seek solid counseling. Even if you don’t feel you have a personal issue that needs to be dealt with, seeking the input of a therapist who’s outside your situation can be incredibly helpful. Even one session can provide you with some insight and useful tools. You have the right to peace and healthy relationships and it’s okay to take a break from a relationship for breath, clarity, and prayer.
Remember: I’m not a mental health professional. I do my best to share my experiences and what I’ve learned and always recommend readers seek the input of professionals where they deem necessary. I’d love to hear any thoughts or input you have on this topic!
Take care of you,
