Your marriage will have challenges. If you have a supportive husband who is a true partner, those problems are a lot more tolerable and life is a lot less stressful.
And that’s just beginning of what will be better if you choose a mate wisely.
Don’t be like me in my first marriage. I had warnings in our dating life. True enough, I didn’t really catch on to what the issues were harbingers of. I thought he was just wounded from a painful childhood and he’d heal from that (false). I thought that I could fix his issues (false, false, and even more false). I just didn’t realize. So I married him.
And now I’m married to someone who is actually a good match for me. Hear me on this: If you’re dating someone and you see red flags or get a twinge that he may not be right for you or you don’t feel happy around him, listen to those feelings. If the people who love you most are telling you he’s not the one for you, listen so you don’t set yourself up for undue strife and possibly, misery.
You cannot change another person. If you marry someone, you have to want them exactly as they are, not as you hope they will become.
Friends, I married someone who was already not treating me as I should be treated. And it didn’t get better along the way, it got worse.
Here are 4 fundamental ways you and your potential mate need to align. This is important, guys.
Spirituality This was (is) at the top of the list for me. First marriage (here forward referred to as FM, because I’m tired of typing that out, people), I thought we were, as they say, equally yolked. He even joined my church! But as time revealed after we were married and the honeymoon phase was over, he was not living like he believed the way I did.
When David and I met, “Loves God and lives like it” was literally #1 on my list of qualities he had to possess. I watched carefully to make sure his faith was lived out. I would not have married him otherwise, that’s how important this is to me. If you don’t have a particular faith, here’s where you’ll want your morals or other beliefs to align.
Financial This is huge because what do couples argue about most? Money. What has the potential to make life super stressful? Money. You need to get on the same page with how your money will be managed, spent, saved, and made.
In my top 5 of my “mate must-have” list included the man I’d consider seriously dating or marrying had to be taking care of his own obligations. Whatever bills, child support or other financial obligations he had, had to be fulfilled by him alone. David met those must haves. I worry more about money than he ever will (I’m working on that with God’s help!). I still have feelings of fear and insecurity from being married to someone who was financially abusive. But David and I are smart with our money. We make mistakes because we’re human. But we try hard. We are frugal. We bought a less expensive home when we got married because we are paying it off in 10 years instead of the typical 20-30. We don’t want to be paying off a mortgage when we’re 60 .
The difference: In FM, I was the lone ranger of our finances. He put it all on me, which means if a bill was late or we couldn’t pay it because he took the money, he still blamed me for that. He was definitely a spender and lived in the clouds, buying expensive gadgets and not worrying about responsibilities. I was always a saver and had the philosophy that we pay the bills before having any pleasure spending. This might have been an extreme case because he was financially abusive, but it’s certainly not unique, and it caused immense stress on me not having a spouse who was willing to budget and refused to even discuss it.
S-E-X I chose for personal and spiritual reasons not to have sex before I remarried. My husband was on board so that was easy. There was barely a discussion. Though it’s cliche, I have to say that it was worth the wait. This is an expectation that’s going to be different for everyone and for different reasons. There will be boundaries in this area, even within a marriage. If you’re not comfortable, you say “no” and that’s the end of it. Everyone has different likes and dislikes and wills and won’ts. Do not do what you don’t want to do. I believe this is an area so deeply personal and vulnerable, that there is very little, if any, room for compromise.
Family Discuss before you’re married your expectation about whether you’ll have children, how many you hope to have, and how you will raise them from spiritual, educational, financial, and discipline aspects.
In my FM, I was almost solely the caregiver for my children. He was emotionally absent and I learned fast how to take care of a baby completely on my own. Given the nature of his behavior, I was happy to be the bigger influence on my children. I wanted to be the one who was always there for and with them. I took them to church. He didn’t go. I did my very best in nurturing, encouraging, and disciplining, and I love my babies fiercely.
David is a great disciplinarian. He is tougher than I am. They’re older now and require less discipline but still need a great amount of guidance. He has better follow-through with discipline and I’m more of a softy. Sometimes they need both so we are able to balance each other out. His willingness to fairly and lovingly discipline my kids (really, OUR kids as he’s their dad in every sense but biologically) is so important to me and to them. Whether they will admit it or not, they feel loved knowing we care to guide them away from something they shouldn’t do or say. We both encourage them and tell them what not to do and what they’re doing right. We back each other up and that is so important. If you’re not a united front, kids know!
David and me, our first dance.
David and I celebrate our 6th anniversary today, and I get excited about that like I do for my birthday. It reminds me (like I could forget) how much better and healthier our marriage is than our FMs.
Statistically, our first marriages had a 50% chance of failing, and they did. Our second marriage, has a statistical failure rate of something like 70%! But we’ve decided to defy those odds.
We compromise when necessary, but we communicate always. We make time for each other on a daily basis. You have to cultivate a healthy marriage. It doesn’t just happen. We have to make it a priority and devote time and attention to it regularly. I get excited to spend time with him whether it’s watching a movie or like tonight, a legit date night. I want that for you.
Have any marriage questions? Comment or email me on my contact page. I’m happy to help. As I always say, I’m not an expert except in what I’ve experienced and learned, but that’s a whole lot.
Love brave and live wise,
