I’ve been sharing topics relating to marriage each Monday over on Instagram stories for awhile now and I’ve had a good response. A fellow IG’er asked why I didn’t have an accompanying blog post about each week’s topic so people could refer back for longer than the 24 hours stories stay on IG.

And I said, “You’re right. Why don’t I?”

I’m no marriage guru, but guys, I’ve got almost 16 years experience with an unhealthy marriage that taught me a lot about myself, abuse, and survival, and of course, the partnership that is (supposed to be) marriage. And I’ve got nearly six years of a healthy marriage going for me too, that has also taught me a great deal about myself and what it takes to make a happy union. So while I’m no expert, I do have some hard-earned wisdom.

But for this one, I’m not talking about an abusive marriage – but more of a reasonably healthy one that presumes you’re doing okay and most things are in order. Here’s the thing:

Your spouse isn’t responsible for your happiness.

Right now, some of you just said, “Yeah…and?” But many people lay the responsibility for their happiness squarely in their spouse’s lap. And that’s not where it belongs. It actually belongs in your lap.

That’s right, we are in charge of our own happiness. Can someone make you miserable? Yes. (Remember, I was in a 15-year abusive marriage so I can tell you for sure they can). Can someone make you happy? Absolutely! But it’s up to you to find joy and happiness in other things despite what might be making you unhappy.

There are things my husband can do that will make me happy. I can be overall happy in our marriage, those kinds of things. But he can’t fulfill my every need. It’s just not possible for one person to do that, nor should it be. There are things that only he can fulfill, but there are just as many and more things that only I can fulfill or find in other people (like a need for friendship, etc.). I can’t make him responsible for my happiness. I have to choose to find that myself.

So if you’re not happy in your marriage, gently explain to your spouse why. (I say “gently” because if you hope to fix it, don’t make it worse by yelling your dissatisfaction and wounding him). See if by expressing your needs, you can work things out. If not, find a compatible therapist to help work through things as a couple or on your own. Examine what the source of your unhappiness is. Is it a discontentment with work? Or the lack of a career? Or a health struggle, depression, or fatigue? An issue with your child or another family member? Are you stressed over things and it’s bringing you down to a point you can’t find joy otherwise? Many things can contribute to your unhappiness. Nail down what’s making you unhappy. Get help if you can’t figure out what that thing is.

The grass isn’t always greener. I’ve seen people have no real complaints about their spouse other than they’re just bored, unsatisfied, and are just “over it.” The single life seems exciting – parties, a new love, being independent. The idea is shiny and new. But what’s shiny and new eventually gets dull and old. It’s often easier to fix what you have versus starting all over again. (Psst…dating in your 40s isn’t a picnic. It’s scary and hard. Maybe that’s true at any age, but I sure wouldn’t want to do it again).

Maybe your husband doesn’t bring you flowers any more (who else just sang the Neil Diamond and Barbra Streisand duet in their head?). If everything else is pretty good but it’s just not dawning on him to get flowers anymore, get your own flowers. There’s definitely no need to go without flowers and wait for someone to bring them. Girl, go get your own! And so on. You get the idea.

Just remember, if you’re really struggling and just can’t shake a deep sadness, that’s when you need to get some extra help. Talk to your doctor. And this line of thinking does not apply if you’re unhappy because you’re being abused. That’s a completely different blog post! If you’re simply (or not so simply) feeling discontentment, and are bored and not satisfied with your life, spend some time examining why instead of who, for starters. See what you can do to get things back on track.

…and try to remember the things your spouse does that do make you happy.

Be brave,