It’s been seven years since my first husband violently assaulted me at gunpoint and then took his own life with that gun, forcing me to witness it.
You’d think seven years, inching ever closer to the decade point, would erase a lot of memories, anxiety, PTSD, and sadness. And it does. But it doesn’t release me from all of it. As the weeks got closer to this “anniversary”, I could feel my body remembering it was close. I started having unpleasant dreams again, anxiety, restless sleep, and then
a few days ago I saw a news story about a beautiful young mom in her 20s being murdered by her estranged husband. He took his life too and now their tiny children are orphans.
I admit I followed this story as it unfolded over the course of a few days. I cried for this woman, for their families. My heart ached and sobbed for the babies who will grow up without their parents, but who will grow up with the crushing burden of knowing their father, who they no doubt loved, killed their mother.
It affects me too because I know I was so close to meeting the same fate as this young mom. I know I was somehow and for some reason spared, though I had a loaded gun shoved into my neck for the worst part of that morning, terrified it would be the last morning I’d see.
It humbles me to know that I’m alive seven years later and I pray for dozens of more years. Many people who’ve heard my story have felt strongly that my then-husband intended to kill me that day and for some reason, changed his mind. Whichever way it was planned to happen, I am grateful every day that I’m alive.
I write here because I want people to be aware of how serious domestic violence is. I know my story, but I don’t know the story behind every husband and wife murder-suicide tragedy. I can only guess the many reasons or mental breaks that might occur.
I hope we as a society can learn potential harbingers of such behavior so we can prevent tragedy. Most of us can’t imagine anyone, much less someone we love(d) and trust(ed) could carry out such hateful things. We can’t fathom it because we’re rational. And rational people can’t quite understand irrational behavior. We can’t make sense of it. So maybe we can’t always sense or understand potential warning signs.
Let me say to you today that if you have a gut feeling or see some disconcerting signs in someone you know or love, do something. Talk to the parties involved (but make sure you’re safe when you do it). Contact a professional who specializes in such behavior, like a therapist. Share what you see. Get a second opinion. Fast.
If someone is hurting you, do the same…get help. Make a plan. If you’re on the fence about divorce, it’s okay. I get it. Safety is the urgent concern here and you can get yourself and your children to safety and not make any decisions about the marriage itself. Safety is the concern here. Get to safety and protect yourself and your children. Just be safe.
You can read about my story in greater detail anytime, but also please take some time to read about relationships and what makes them scary and unhealthy, and what makes them safe and good for you.
We don’t always see the nuances that indicate a relationship might go terribly wrong, but I see them now. And I write here in hopes others will have open eyes and hearts when reading, and keep this information in mind for their own lives and the lives of those they love.
Listen to me: You deserve healthy relationships. All of your relationships of every type should have healthy boundaries. You should be respected. You should never be afraid of the person you’re in a relationship with. You should never fear for your life. You should never feel alone and keep things bottled up.
Talk to a friend, a pastor, a therapist, a trusted coworker, or message me on my contact page. You are not alone. You are not invisible. You should be safe and you should be healthy.
This isn’t the end of my story. Our story has a happy continuing. We keep living well, I help my children be strong and brave, and we continue on and claim our happiness that we know should have been ours all along.
Love Brave,
