It’s February, the month of love. For some people it’s just another month and for others, they dread it altogether. Valentine’s Day is only days away and it comes with a lot of baggage for some. Being single isn’t easy. It can be lonely, right? Days like Valentine’s Day seem to rub it in your face mercilessly. When I was suddenly single after being widowed, I had some things to learn before I could ever move on and entertain dating. I had a lot to learn about myself and it was necessary to set some firm boundaries with myself and for myself.
I wanted to share some valuable lessons I learned and dish up some food for thought.
- Learn what missteps you took in previous relationships. No matter how a love relationship ends, neither party was perfect. Certainly, the lion’s share of the blame can lay with the one who was abusive or unfaithful. You may have been like me and was faithful to the bitter end, tolerating far more than any human should. But even so, there are things I could learn about myself that I could do better. There were ways maybe I was immature or disrespectful and I needed to take myself to task over those things so I didn’t repeat them in another relationship.
- Deal with your insecurities. Whatever may have been done to hurt you in past relationships, you cannot carry those things into the next relationship. You can’t punish your new love for something your old love did. Of course, you will be sensitive to certain things like your potential new mate working late or having a password on his or her phone, if your previous mate was unfaithful. Certain words or harmless teasing may be a hot button for you or evoke a past hurt. If they’re deeply ingrained in you and take more time to overcome, be prepared to discuss it once you’re in a new relationship. Chances are, we all have insecurities or sensitivities because we’ve all been hurt. Being willing to discuss those so the other person is aware so they don’t do or say things that will draw out those past feelings, will make a world of difference.
- Enjoy being you! This time of singledom can be very freeing, even an adventure! Your financial decisions are your own. You can save for your own dreams and chase after them. (P.S. When you do find a new someone, don’t lose your dreams! I repeat, keep dreaming and keep making those dreams reality). Explore who you are apart from another person and develop your own desires and interests. Do that thing you’ve always wanted to but couldn’t because you had to consider your mate…take an extended vacation, continue your education, change your style. This is a great time to reinvent yourself and become who you’ve always knew you could be.
- Don’t (always) compromise. Once you’re in a relationship there’s a certain amount of compromise necessary to make the union successful. You don’t always have to get your own way when it comes to where to go, what restaurant to dine in, or what color paint goes on the wall. There should be a healthy amount of compromise on both sides. Neither person should always get their own way and both people should respect the other’s wishes and consider them equally. Choose what’s really important to you and what you can’t budge on and likewise, if it’s not that dire to you, you can give in and let the other person fulfill their wish. But do not compromise on the fundamentals. This is not a time to buckle to peer pressure or change who you are or what you believe to get someone to like you. Stand firm in who you are and maintain your own interests. If you want to listen to his or her music, great. But don’t subtract what you like. Add their interests to your list of interests. Maintaining your own identity, your own tastes, and your own dreams is mandatory.
- Don’t be needy. Desperation isn’t attractive to anyone, male or female. Being independent and knowing you can manage on your own is attractive. Don’t make your life all about that other person and don’t give up all your plans for him or her. Doing so sets the stage for the other person to easily take you for granted and that’s never okay. Let the other person be a complement to your life and plans, not a replacement for them.
- Don’t settle. Make a list of requirements that a potential mate absolutely must have before you’ll consider allowing them the privilege of dating you. Your time is valuable and so are you.
And if you’ve settled in a relationship in the past, you’re much more susceptible to doing it again. I made a literal written list and promised myself and God that I wouldn’t deviate from the list. For me, dating was a big investment of time and heart. Anyone who I was going to consider dating had to meet all the standards to the best of my ability to know them before a first date. My children are my priorities and if I was going to take even an evening away from them for a date, this person better have potential for greatness. When I dated my now-husband, he met every single item on that list. Number one was that he would be a Christian in thought and deed. Also on that list was that this man had to be respectful and in line with what God says about saving yourself for marriage. This was a biggy. I had to be accountable to God and to myself, but also to my children. How can I stress to them the importance of waiting if I wasn’t willing to? There’s no such thing as a “test drive” in a physical relationship. Being intimate with someone is a big deal. Save it for your spouse no matter what your age. God will work out the details.
Being single has some challenges. I have given some pretty tight guidelines but I’m telling you, they are good ones. I learned some lessons in being married and in being single, and that time “alone” was valuable. I learned about myself and what I shouldn’t tolerate in a mate. I also learned that I needed to possess first those same qualities I wanted to find in a mate. Celebrate yourself and prepare for that special someone to come along at exactly the right time, most likely when you stop looking and least expect it. God works like that sometimes.
