We hear this all the time: Jesus loves you! It’s even a song. It’s an oft-heard phrase but have you ever really dissected that a bit and thought about how precious that really is? Sometimes we feel so small…we’re just one in a sea of billions of people on Earth. And there have been billions of people here before us and God loved them all. So what’s so special about me?? Let me tell you.
There may be billions of people but there’s none just like you or me or the guy down the street. We’re all uniquely different with our own oddities, quirks, features, characteristics, wants, needs, dreams. We often feel like the speck in “Horton Hears a Who.” Sometimes we feel so small,as if we’re a speck on the speck. But I’m telling you, He cares about everything you care about, simply because you care about it. If it’s important to you, it’s important to Him. If it hurts you, it hurts Him. He carries our burdens…willingly!
If you think of all the grains of sand on a beach, they’re too numerous to count. You couldn’t pick out a specific grain of sand. They all look the same! We’re those grains of sand–there are so many of us. Except God can reach down and pluck out a “grain” and tell you all about that “grain”, what it looks like, feels like, what it cares about, where it’s been, where it’s going. He can pick each one of us out of a crowd and knows everything about us at any time…because He loves us. I just wanted you to know.
Yesterday we had the privilege of voting in some pretty significant elections. Since the results came in, I’ve noticed a lot of fallout on social media. So many harsh words were being slung around. There were several mentions of folks unfriending others because they’d become aware of their opposing political stances. Strangers banded together to virtually gang up on a poster who held an unpopular viewwpoint. Personal attacks abound the internet this morning and it made me quite sad.
It’s been said never to discuss religion or politics, the theory being that any such discussions can never end well. I’d prefer to say we go ahead and participate in those discussions but do so with a clear head and respectfulness in your delivery. These discussions aren’t typically likely to lead to you swaying someone in your direction and the chances of that dive from slim to none if you’re berating them for disagreeing with you.
Upon reading some of these conversations, it made me wonder why many people are comfortable being so venomous towards one another. Sure, we all let a harsh word slip from time to time, but I’d like to think we’re immediately remorseful.
Everyone knows how bad it feels when we are treated rudely and hopefully everyone also knows how much better it feels to be treated with kindness. The difference is profound. What if we all made a commitment, a sort of pact with ourselves, that any time we’re tempted to speak bitterly that we catch ourselves first and turn it around into positive thoughts or speech?
Instead of reprimanding that cashier who is grumpy or being a little too slow for your liking, try issuing a compliment. Notice how his or her demeanor changes, softens. I’m a firm believer that no one is chronically rude or cold simply because it’s a component of their personality. I believe (and I teach my children this) that unhappy folks have an underlying reason for their mood, a reason we may never know or see–a past hurt, a spouse who just abandoned them, an illness they’re fighting.
Our words can be like tiny murders or they can be mighty encouragements. In the busyness of our days, let’s pause and really see others and extend some kindnesses. Watch how your compassionate actions impact the person on the receiving end. See how it impacts you.
“Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each others, just as Christ also has forgiven you.” ~ Ephesians 4:32
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I could begin with startling statistics of “a woman is battered by her spouse every x seconds” or cite how many people die yearly at the hands of their partner. I’m sure the numbers would be sobering, scary, and sickening. They’re valuable numbers but sometimes they’re hard to reconcile. Would they alone move you to help or to recognize the signs in a friend or family member who may be on the receiving end of abuse? Sometimes we assume abuse is visible. It isn’t always. Not all domestic abuse leaves a physical mark. Although when we think of an abusive situation, we may immediately think of a woman donning sunglasses to cover a blackened eye or long sleeves to cover bruises on her arms, physical abuse is not the only abuse that’s both painful and damaging.
Verbal and emotional abuse is typically invisible. It doesn’t leave a mark…on the outside. The scars and wounds that verbal and emotional abuse leave are usually hidden, often deep inside the victim. In an ongoing abusive relationship of this type, the wounds sometimes rarely have a chance to heal over before they’re jabbed again, reopened and bleeding. The abuse is sometimes subtle to the casual observer. The abuser goes to great lengths to hide what he (or she) is up to. But for the person on the wrong end of the pain, it’s devastating, injurious, and demoralizing.
My experience with this is intimate. I was the abused. It was lonely, isolating, and humiliating. I felt I couldn’t confide in anyone because the behavior was so demeaning (and sometimes bizarre) that I felt no one could possibly understand and that everyone would judge. I never felt I deserved it or asked for it, but I also never understood it. I felt like he just couldn’t feel adequate unless he was making someone else (me) feel inadequate. His deep need to feel superior and important fueled him and any time he could see me rise above his abuse, he would lay it on even harder to push me back down. He couldn’t tolerate me having any success or attention. It was all about power and manipulation and maintaining control over another person. It took me a long time to realize the things he called me and said about me had nothing to actually do with me, but they had everything to do with him.
The abuser in this sort of situation is usually savvy. He or she knows when to strike and how. They are astute in knowing how much they can get away with in front of others and still come off looking like a devoted spouse. They are often narcissistic, blaming their significant other for anything and everything, because they (the abuser) are never at fault, not for anything. They cannot accept responsibility for their actions and regularly tell tall tales, tales in which they are always the hero. They pride themselves on being good providers, champions for their families, veritable saviors, so say their public personas. All the while, they are berating the person they are supposed to cherish, at every turn. “You’re not good enough.” “You don’t dress right.” “You can’t cook.” “You don’t really think you can accomplish that, do you?” “You’re lucky you have me or you’d be nowhere.” “Nobody else could ever love you as much as I do.” They lead their mate to believe that the only thing that gives them the slightest amount of value is the fact that they (the abuser) give them the time of day.
Sometimes the abused start to believe the lies. Maybe they really don’t have value. Maybe they really don’t have anything to offer. Maybe they really are lucky to have him or her, because they’d be lost otherwise. Sometimes they just give up and give in, resigning themselves to the (false) fact that this is the type of existence they deserve, that this is all they will ever have, and that they just have to endure it. But they also probably very secretly wish their mate would just haul off and smack or punch them. Violent though it may sound, the physical pain would heal faster and hurt less than the emotional pain they feel with every insult slung at them. And sometimes, they get their wish. Often verbal and emotional abuse is a gateway to physical violence.
The world outside looks happier than the dark existence in which you’re living. Photo: Courtesy David Pickett Photography
Please don’t discount this type of abuse. Mental, emotional and verbal abuses are just as damaging and lasting as any other type of abuse. It hurts and wears on a person. People suffering with this need help just as much as any other type of abusive relationship. And many times things escalate into the physical. If you suspect a friend or loved one may be involved in a relationship of this nature, listen to your gut. Make note of those subtle, backhanded comments from the spouse or other suspicious behavior. Be available for them both and willing to help if the situation deems necessary. Everyone says a cross word to someone they love at some point or other and they’re sorry, make amends, and move on. But when it’s a habit and a means of controlling another individual, it’s abuse as sure as anything and it’s as painful as a fist to the face.
If you’re going through this lonely walk of pain, please know you’re not alone. You have nothing to be ashamed about. You are good enough. You are worthy. Reach out to a trusted friend for help because you are worth saving.
We all (myself included) seem to try so hard to achieve perfection…perfect jobs, perfect marriages, perfect credit scores, perfect children with perfect grades. We see post after post on social media of friends jetting off to exotic vacations and earning job promotions, achieving dramatic weight loss or financial success, and sometimes we wonder what we’re not doing right. Why aren’t our lives perfect when everyone else’s lives seem so grand? Perfection is a delusion. Most of us have this vision of what a perfect life looks like and who has it. We may see this “perfect mom” who gets her kids everywhere on time, always dressed well with shiny smiles. She bakes for every bake sale, heads every committee, takes care of a meticulous home, and does it all while maintaining a slim physique and fabulous hair. While those attributes and accomplishments are all admirable, no one and no thing is perfect. What looks perfect never really is. Everyone has something they struggle with, some sort of battle. Some of us are just better at masking it than others.
Perfection is elusive. Happiness is not. We can do our best at everything we attempt (and we should) but trying to live up to the idea of some idyllic life simply isn’t realistic. It’s not human. The only true perfection we can ever hope to find is in the only One who is without flaw. Remember that YOU are capable and worthy of all good things.
“As for God, His way is perfect. The Lord’s word is flawless; He shields all who take refuge in Him.” Psalm 18:30
