Teenage dating: The subject evokes excitement or perhaps angst if you’re a teenager; strikes fear into the hearts of many parents. Teenage dating tends to stir up some nostalgia, concern, and sometimes, even controversy when we enter into discussions about the when, who, why, and what of dating. It’s a hot topic and there’s nothing simple about it.
My daughter is 17 and thus far, has chosen not to date. I’m sure I had influence on this decision but so did what she witnesses in some of her peers, as well as how she feels God is guiding her. I have told my children more than once that I don’t want them getting overly involved in romantic relationships in high school. I don’t think it’s healthy and I haven’t wavered on my stance. I’ve seen in myself and in others how painfully easy it is to immerse yourself in another person, especially at these young ages where they’re (let’s be honest) ill-equipped to handle all the emotion that comes with relationships, dating, heartbreak, and the plethora of responsibilities that accompany it all. (Side note: If you’re not a Christian, these rules can still apply to you as they are a recipe for a healthy, strong relationship where you have a voice and are safe).
I had my first real date at age 15. I regret dating at that young age. First, I don’t know how I managed to convince my parents to allow this when the hard and fast rule had always been “no dating until you’re 16” and I was 15 and a couple of months. As a new sophomore in high school, a senior boy and I had a mutual attraction. He asked me out, I said ‘yes’ (and secretly hoped my parents would too) and for nearly the next year, we were a thing.
To be clear, I don’t regret dating then because the boy was a jerk. I regret dating then because I was. I simply wasn’t ready for it and sometimes, I wasn’t very nice to him. Despite being a very mature young lady in every other way, in this emotional area I simply was not and I wasn’t prepared to deal with the emotions. So I didn’t deal and I wasn’t always so kind to him. He and I are friends now, so it seems like he’s forgiven me (or just plain forgot because it was 500 years ago), but still I feel like it would have been better had I waited to reach a certain level of maturity before dating.
Two school years later, I was dating someone else and in a woefully unhealthy fashion, I made my life about this guy (he, however, was the jerk in this relationship). He needed rescuing from his bad choices and I convinced myself I was somehow the perfect rescuer. I spent my money on long-distance phone calls that went unreturned and allowed myself to be a second choice to everything else in his life. I gave my heart away far too easily and allowed myself to be hurt (over and over again). I chased after somebody who was not worthy of me. And I was 17.
Instead of spending my thought life on this guy, I wish 17-year-old Melanie would have invested all that time and energy in herself. I wish she’d made college decisions based on what God was telling her instead of what someone else was. I wish she would have been true to her own taste in clothes and music, and celebrated her love of writing and delighted in that instead of fretting over “what did he mean by?…” or “when is he going to call?” or “what did I do wrong?’
I have learned so much and there are lessons I want to spare my daughter, and my son when he’s ready, from having to learn firsthand. There are things I want her to know, to embrace, and to practice. Here are my 10 rules:
- Be firm in who YOU are before allowing someone else in your life. I want her to be sure of herself, to know herself, to have a solid foundation of self and faith. When you allow a romantic relationship in your life, it’s very easy to get pulled off track. I want her to have a keen sense of who she is and not deviate from it and what she knows. I want her to be strong and when her faith is tested or she is pressured to sway and bend even a little, she will stand strong.
- Only date a Christian. One might think this doesn’t matter so much early in life. “We’re just having fun. It’s not like we’re getting married.” But whether you’re 15 or 55, if you’re a Christian, you shouldn’t date outside your belief system because it poses a lot of unnecessary challenges. Certainly there are amazing people who do not believe the same as we do, by why start off a relationship in disagreement about fundamental beliefs? And don’t think you’ll change someone. It’s not going to happen.
- Don’t settle for scraps. You deserve the banquet! Do not allow yourself to be anyone’s second choice, ever. You deserve to have someone love you and you only. Do not take up with a boy (or man) who is dating others or not ready to commit. If he’s not ready to commit, then he’s not ready to be dating you. Do not sit and wait for responses to texts or phone calls or scraps of his time and attention. Let him go. Do not wait around for someone to decide if you’re who or what he wants. If someone is wishy-washy, they’re not who or what you want. Sometimes it hurts, but be strong enough to know what’s not good for you and to walk away from it.
- Guard your heart…and your body. Just because a boy pays you some attention, doesn’t mean he’s the one…for anything. Be discerning, very. Make a literal written list of qualities any potential date (or mate) absolutely must have. And never allow yourself to make any concessions for anyone for any reason. If you find yourself saying “yeah, but” to anything, he’s not the one for you. If you’re a Christian, having a firm faith in God and a personal relationship with Jesus Christ should be #1. If you can only say “He believes in God, yeah, but he’s not there yet…”, walk away. He’s not where you are. Or “he’s not very nice to his mom, but she’s not a nice person either.” Red flag, red flag, red flag. The way he treats his mother, sister, other people is the way he will eventually treat you. You are a precious treasure and anybody who’s going to date you should be prepared to treat your mind, body, and heart as such. Make the list. Remember: There’s no compromising!
- God knows who your husband is. Even if you feel like there’s no perfect guy out there, that there’s nobody who could possibly possess all the characteristics and morals you require, take heart! There is absolutely that man out there and what’s better, God already knows who he is! If you’re in the center of His will and seeking His plan for your life, you don’t have to worry about when your prince will come because your Heavenly Father will send him your way at the precisely perfect time and it will be wonderful.
- Stay pure! It’s not easy to keep your mind clean and your body chaste, but I can promise you that it’s worth it. Your purity is a precious gift to share with your husband some day. Despite what the world says, you don’t need to “test drive” a person to know if you’re going to be sexually compatible. Again, if you’re trusting God, you don’t have to concern yourself with such things. God is the creator of everything, even sex! Though He created it so we could reproduce and make beautiful babies, He also created it for our pleasure to be enjoyed inside marriage. Waiting for your husband is a gift to yourself and to your husband. Sharing your body with someone is no small thing. Don’t you want the honor of being the only one (the only person in the history of the world!) to know your husband’s body? He wants to be the only one to know yours too. Think for a moment what a treasure that will be.
- You are beautiful. I want my daughter and every girl and woman to know they are beautiful. There is no perfect woman, no perfect body, no perfect set of character traits. We are all special and unique. We all have quirks and fears, idiosyncrasies and foibles. We all make mistakes and poor choices at times. But we’re human, forgiven, and fearfully and wonderfully made. Embrace the qualities that make you you. And know this: You are enough. Don’t ever let anyone tell you you’re not thin enough or pretty enough or smart enough. You are beautiful and you are enough.
- I will always be here. No matter what, as a parent I have my children’s backs. I will always be in their corners and on their sides. I want them to know that I’m here for them at all times, no matter what. If they make mistakes, I’m here without judgement to guide and comfort them. We will figure it out together. If they are confused, I am here to guide or simply listen. If they have any struggle or challenge, I am here to hug them, cry with them, guide them, and pray for and with them. Whatever the situation, I am there, no matter what.
- Wait for the boy (or man) who will woo and pursue you. A wise woman told me when I was suddenly single that when the time was right to date again, that I should wait for the man who will “woo and pursuit you,” she said. It sounded presumptuous and exciting at the same time. Call me old-fashioned, I don’t care. But I liked the idea of a man pursuing me, working to win my heart and trust. I learned not to make it difficult for the man, but not to make it too easy for him either. He needed to earn my love, so to speak, prove himself, shower me with (not gifts!) but the sort of attention that gave me confidence and faith in him without feeling smothered. She was right!
- Wait until YOU are whole so you can be the woman he deserves. There’s a lot we want in the perfect mate. Make the list I mentioned and don’t compromise or make excuses. But remember that he may be making a list that he’ll also stick to. So whatever you want to see in a mate–Faithful Christian, gainfully employed, kind, chaste, responsible, and so on—make sure he can find those things in you as well. In other words, be the person you want to find.
Dating is a scary adventure at any age, but if you’re putting your full trust in God and following His lead with a wise head and open eyes, the result will be beautiful.
You are enough,
