Eight years ago today, a new journey for me started. I didn’t ask for this to be part of my story; no one would. I entered into the day an abused wife, recently estranged from her husband, a mother taking care of her children, a medical transcriptionist, and a woman whose voice had been long since squelched, but who found joy in her children and was giving them a good life, despite everything.
I closed my eyes that day as a widow, sexual assault survivor, domestic violence survivor, survivor of gun violence, single mother (that’s the good part), and displaced from our home.
So that was a monumental day in our lives, as you see. If you haven’t already read my story, the abbreviated version is I was married to an abusive man for almost 16 years. Eight years ago today, he was supposed to be out of town, but instead, when I left to take my children to school that morning, he came to our home (hiding his vehicle out of site), waited inside for me–with a gun–and when I got home, it was too late before I realized he was inside; there was no escape. He bound me at gunpoint, brutally sexually assaulted me, and though he threatened to take my life, he ultimately took his own, right in front of me. (I was helpless to stop him).
That day changed so much for me and my children who were just 9 and 13 at the time. They were innocent children who couldn’t understand why their dad would forever leave them, much less harm their mother in the way he did. With more questions than answers, we were forced to forge ahead, doing our best to grieve, cope, and heal.
But as they say, “that was then and this is now.”
The “then” story is so sad and seems so far away right now, but other days it seems far too near. Our “now’ story is much sweeter and full of life and laughter with healthy souls that have been patched together, stronger than ever before.
Then, we were broken, lost, clinging only to each other and God. He wouldn’t leave us, would He? (No, He didn’t). Would we ever not feel this bad? (Yes, we are much, much better). Then, we were in therapy regularly and out of necessity. Immediately, close friends and family urged me to find trauma counseling for the three of us and I did. I can’t put into words how important the role of a good biblical therapist is when you’ve gone through something life-changing.
Then, we had no idea what the future would hold. Where would we go from there? God knew and we’re there now. I’m very happily remarried to a man who is my partner in every way. I literally sometimes pinch myself because he is everything I never thought I would have: loving, supportive, encouraging, sacrificing, always has my back, loves God, loves my children, is funny, sexy, pretty much perfect for me. He is a dream come true.
Then, I had no voice. I literally couldn’t talk in front of more than two people and they had to be close friends or family. If somebody asked me a question in front of a group, it was as if my vocal cords themselves froze up.
Then, my children were quiet, trying to find their way. They found it: My daughter graduates from college next month and my son graduates from high school next year. They have friends and a strong faith. They’ve found their own voices and are thespians. They have good grades and great ideas and admirable goals I have no doubt they will achieve. My daughter is open about our story. My son holds his close to his vest and doesn’t care to talk about it. I’ve always felt they should share their own truths only if they want to.
Then, I had no voice. I literally couldn’t talk in front of more than two people and they had to be close friends or family. If somebody asked me a question in front of a group, it was as if my vocal cords themselves froze up. Growing up, I was always painfully shy. I prayed my teachers wouldn’t call on me in class, even if I knew the answer. I spent a lot of time as a very young girl hiding behind my mother’s legs, that’s how shy I was. Now, I write and my voice comes out in written word. I speak and I hear a new voice. There’s life in it and it’s now fearless. I teach a class on healthy relationships. Yes, a class. Full of people. Remember when I couldn’t speak in front of more than two friends? Now I’m teaching a class of dozens.
See what God can do? I’d love to take credit for the ways our lives have been lovingly transformed. But it’s all Him. He has carried us through those dark days and tearful nights. He’s blossomed us into the people we were meant to be. He spared me. He took care of my children and became Father in place of their earthly one who failed them. He showed me my calling, first as a mother but also as a writer and speaker sharing this story that He’s enabled and empowered me to share. He brought me my kinsman redeemer, my husband, who’s so good for my soul.
The beauty from ashes you hear about it? It’s real, friends. When I was going through the darkest times when I thought the pain would never stop, I pictured God working on my broken pieces, molding them and piecing them lovingly back together, fashioning them stronger and more beautiful than ever before. Tenderly sealing them together with gold. And it feels like that’s what He did.
No matter your story, God has got you. You are not irreparably broken. Call out to Him because He’s there when no one else is and in ways no one else can be. Hold on, friend. This might be the end of something else, but it’s the beginning of something better.
Healed and whole,
