“Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.”
Do you remember that ad slogan from years ago? I believe it was super beautiful, supermodel Kelly LeBrock who said it. I think so anyhow.
Don’t hate me because I have a good marriage. 🙂
I post about marriage on my social media quite a bit. And sometimes when I share about how awesome my current marriage is, I feel a little twinge of guilt.
Guilt because I don’t ever want my good marriage to cause someone else pain. I don’t want anyone to feel bad because I feel good.
Sound weird? Let me explain. When I was married to my abusive first husband, it was incredibly painful for me to see healthy marriages. I remember specific times when I’d see a husband put his arm around his wife in church, and it would bring tears to my eyes and a stab to my heart. It felt like: That will never be me. I’m just not meant to have that loving and healthy partnership in marriage.
I don’t want you or anyone else to feel that way when you look at me and my marriage. Let me tell you the truth about this.
It was a long time coming.
If you’re in a painful marriage or relationship or not in one at all, remember that I get it. I stood on the outside of beautiful relationships, looking in. Longing for tenderness and support from my then-husband.
And never getting it. I steeled myself to the “fact” that this was just my lot in life and I sort of walled off that kind of hope.
Don’t do that.
Remember when you see my healthy marriage play out in pictures here or on Instagram or Facebook that:
I was once the girl who was tossed around like she was nothing.
I was once the girl who was told she was nothing; that she couldn’t cook, wasn’t pretty enough, was too thin or not thin enough, didn’t work enough, and worked too much, wasn’t smart enough, but used words that were too big, didn’t clean right, couldn’t even cut a fricking tomato correctly (no joke).
I was once the girl who had fists flying in her face. Who cried herself to sleep at night. Who had so much love to give a person who would never have the capacity to love her back. Who was raped. Who was abused.
I was once that girl.
So when you see my “perfect” marriage (it feels perfect but there’s really no such thing, is there?) in words and pictures, remember what I went through to get here.
My husband and I both had difficult first marriages. If I had to share the “secret” of our success, I would say there are so many ingredients involved.
Because of our prior marriages, we mutually recognized before we were even engaged that we do not want any more conflict. Sure, life brings it, but we didn’t want it with each other. So we created rules. Some we spoke about, some just happened along the way: Like no mean sarcasm, no name-calling, no disrespect or yelling, disagreeing only in a healthy way. No low blows or unfair fighting. Always making each other a priority because then our marriage would stay a priority.
We learned a lot in those first marriages and pretty much, we were both terrified of ever experiencing anything close to those again. And we were determined not to allow the junk from past marriages to make its way into our new one.
You see, it takes work and determination, lessons learned, and a little fear (haha) to make this marriage pretty much happy all the time. That’s not to say we never have bumps in the road. We sure have had them. But it is to say that we figured out how to handle the bumps together so we deal with what life hands us instead of the tough stuff “dealing with us.” We don’t allow other people or situations to penetrate our marriage and affect it negatively.
What I want you to see when you look at those pictures or posts, is HOPE. I want you to look at me, a 49-year-old woman who has been through an extremely heartbreaking, dangerous, and difficult marriage who learned hard lessons, did hard work, and waited for the right guy this time. And then was very, very careful moving forward.
A good marriage doesn’t just happen. You make it happen.
If you’re in a difficult spot, friend, don’t lose hope. You are not destined to be in a bad or abusive relationship. I thought that. You do not deserve it. You did not ask for it. You actually deserve better than that.
I was once that girl.
Now I’m a woman who’s been through the darkness and pain of a hopeless relationship. I suffered terribly at the hands of the wrong man. It almost cost me my life.
Girl, there is hope for you. There is hope for better. When you see happy marriages, try to remember that it’s not what you wish for being rubbed in your face. It’s a nudge, sweet friend, that you deserve better and happiness exists.
If you need help escaping a dangerous and abusive marriage, please visit The National Domestic Violence Hotline. Call or visit a local women’s shelter for domestic violence in your area. Talk to your pastor or a therapist. Or your best friend. Make a plan to get yourself and your children to safety. That is the number one priority: safety.
If you’re unhappy and you can’t pinpoint just why, I encourage you to find a great therapist you really jive with and work through whatever is going on. A good therapist is golden in moving forward, finding healing, and getting back your power.
You can do this, girl. You can be happy again.
You are stronger than you know,
