My parents have never met my husband. I know they’d adore him if they had. He’s so much like my dad: easygoing, strong, excellent work ethic, funny, rarely worries, and fiercely loves his family.
But when I was getting married for the first time, my parents were around (Mom suddenly passed the following year). I remember my mom casually telling me two pieces of marital advice.
And I thought she was crazy.
First, she told me that you don’t put the kids first; the marriage comes first. I remember those words ringing in my ears and wondering, “What are you, some kind of monster?” We didn’t come first?!
But she explained the philosophy that when you put the marriage first, it strengthens the union which strengthens the family. Of course, at some point the kids might legitimately be priority. You get the idea though. It made more sense to me later on.
The second bit of advice was equally as alarming: You will fall out of love with your spouse.
WUT.
That wasn’t a very romantic depiction of how I imagined marriage to be. But Mom was right. In talking to friends, they feel the same. I don’t believe you ever truly fall out of love with your spouse and back in and then out again. But your feelings go dry at times.
Like times of stress, depression, a funk, when you’re in a fight, or sometimes it might not make sense why. I don’t believe you ever truly stop loving the person in these cycle things, but you just “unfeel”. Of course, you support them, do what you normally do, but the zing is misplaced for the “moment.”
But the cycle does as it does: it cycles. And the good feelings come back. I urge you, really urge you, to hang on through that cycle until it loops back around to the in love stuff. In the “down cycle” remind yourself of all the good your spouse does, the ways they support you, and all the things that created the butterflies when you were dating.
Think on those things so the down cycle doesn’t get to you or tempt you away. Do not let those unfeelings set in. Don’t give up on your spouse. Know that the cycle is normal. Talk to a therapist or your pastor or a trusted friend if you don’t feel like it is normal, or if it’s going on longer than usual.
But if it’s otherwise a good marriage and a good guy, don’t let go of that. Hang in there. Examine why you’re feeling what you’re feeling. Have faith in yourself, your spouse, and your marriage. Pray about it, for your feelings to be restored and your marriage to be strengthened, better than before. Do stuff to get your mojo back like date night, planning a trip, even having a girls trip to get away and gain some perspective. Give yourself a chance to miss your spouse and what you love about him.
In A Wrinkle in Time, Meg’s father says, “Love is always there, even if you don’t feel it.”
Marriage is fun and tricky and tough, but it’s pretty beautiful when you’ve got the right person.
Cultivate love,
