There are several things I won’t apologize for as a domestic violence survivor. We face judgement from others no matter how long or short we stay in the dangerous relationship. We face judgement for how we choose to survive and that we should have known better than to get into said relationship in the first place. There are non-negotiables–things I won’t apologize for.
- How long I stayed. It’s not really a choice per se, the length of time you’re trapped in an abusive relationship. The rhetoric of “why didn’t you just leave?” isn’t helpful but is hurtful. I would guess nobody stays because they enjoy it or want to. They stay for various reasons…all personal. Finances. Fear. Family. Lack of support. Lack of resources. Lack of knowledge of where to go, how to go, and what to do next. Leaving is as complex and frightening a prospect as staying. If you don’t get it, I’m glad. That means you’ve probably never walked this road.
- The way I figured out how to survive. It took me almost half a year after my attack to truly fall apart. I think God or my brain, or both, allowed me that time to live in denial a little so I could care for my babies and get them to a better place. So I could do all the practical things: a funeral, change titles to vehicles, donate organs, make decisions, find trauma therapists, find a new place to live, get a colonoscopy before my insurance ran out… While my children and I were both in therapy pretty immediately, I couldn’t deal with the weight and reality of what we were in therapy for. Not yet anyhow. I needed time, I discovered, to come to terms and get to a place where I could really grieve and do the hard work. It was then that I hit that wall and cried for a solid month and didn’t care who saw me.
- How I healed. I’m not sure I’ll ever entirely heal? But I’ve done a lot of work since that relationship ended so badly and painfully for me. Trauma therapy, EMDR therapy, this blog, being on podcasts and radio shows sharing my story, speaking, writing on social media posts every year marking how much better we are. I would never judge the (healthy) way someone found to cope with a horrible thing. I won’t apologize for how I have.
- That I’m not the same wounded person. I was a people-pleasing doormat until the past few years. Being out of an abusive situation and being in a healthy, supportive one, in addition to doing the healing work and overall growth, has enabled this change. I’m proud of myself. The way I gave so many people excuses for the way they treated me. “But they’re my friend…” “That’s just how they are…” NO. I didn’t have the courage to stand up for myself or the belief that I should. But I do now. And I will never apologize for appearing difficult now to the people who benefited from the old doormat me. If you think I’m difficult because I’m strong and gently use healthy boundaries, I am not the problem.
If you’re new here, I’m a domestic violence survivor and have been out of that situation for over a decade. I started this blog a couple years after as a way to share my story to help others. My first husband became very abusive and one day, held me hostage at gunpoint in my home while my children were thankfully at school. He viciously attacked me at gunpoint after restraining me and took his life in front of me. It was horrible and painful and rocked our world for quite awhile. My young children and I stumbled through together and now are happy, thriving, and leading amazing lives. They and my faith are the reason I’m here. They were and are the reason I breathe and take the next step and the next and the next…
You are loved. You are worthy of good things. There is hope. Please reach out to someone to formulate a plan to get you to safety. You don’t have to have it all figured out now, just be safe.
In hope,
