That’s a great question that I have no answer to. I’m nearly 13 years out from when my first husband–my abuser–attacked me in our home at gunpoint and forced me while tied up, to witness his suicide. When will I heal from that? When will you heal from domestic abuse?
I was married to my abuser for nearly 16 years. Almost all of those years were wrought with turmoil and a variety of abuse. Eventually, I was scared all the time. I was scared all the time of my husband! That should never occur. You shouldn’t fear your spouse. You shouldn’t be afraid in your own home. But there I was, raising two beautiful children, working full-time from home, running a household, and trying to keep us all safe from a man who vowed to protect us but was actually who we needed protection from.
He did a lot of damage the day he attacked me. But that was the BIG damage. He perpetrated a ton of damage-perhaps on a smaller scale, some would say-for most of the years leading up to that day. So not only do I have to deal with the big T Trauma–sexual assault, gun violence, and witnessing his death–I have to somehow find a way to undo the damage he inflicted all the days and years prior to that.
Well, how do we do that? This is what I’ve learned over the past 12+ years. Maybe my path will help pave your pave and you can find gentle healing for your soul.
First of all, be gentle and patient with yourself. You will not heal overnight or in a year. You likely will never be “completely over” what you’ve endured. However, don’t you dare give up and don’t you dare give up on yourself. You are deserving of a healthy life, one where you don’t have to feel terrified by your mate and constantly on alert in your own home. And that safe, healthy life is definitely within your grasp.
Do not ever allow that to be your life again. You were trapped into it once, unaware that is what was happening or would happen. But never again. You know the red flags now. You’ve seen the warning signs. Now, you are fully aware of what the manipulation, gaslighting, and lying look like. You will be more in tune to it when you observe it in others. Don’t ever allow yourself to be a victim again. Not by the original person and not by anyone else. You know better now.
Find a good therapist. Sometimes the first one will be “the one” you will feel comfortable with and be able to open up to. But if it’s not, try another one until you find the one who will help you. Stick with them. It won’t be a picnic and it won’t be short, but it will be worth it when you start to get your power back and feel validated in your feelings.
Be patient. Don’t rush into the next relationship. Give yourself time to understand what happened in the abusive one. Your abuser broke you down. Now is the time to rebuild yourself. That construction period was so valuable to me. It was palpable feeling, God using all my broken pieces and molding them together stronger, forged by gold, into the woman I’m meant to be. I needed to become very strong in myself and my boundaries before ever entertaining dating.
Huddle up with those who support you. Weed out those who don’t. You may find some people will blame you. “How could you not see he was that way?” “Why would you marry him?” My personal favorite: “Why didn’t you just leave?” All very loaded questions with highly complex answers. Answers you don’t owe anyone but yourself, by the way. Keep in mind that anyone who asks those questions have the luxury of not understanding an abusive relationship from the inside. Someone who’s been there, wouldn’t ask.
Read books about survivors. This might seem like a weird one but it helped me so much. I don’t mean necessarily even about abuse survivors, but people who’ve survived incredible odds and dire situations. A friend lent me a book by Brenda Warner, One Call Away. I won’t share details of her story so I don’t spoil it for you, but it was a real-life page turner of many challenges and heartbreaks she faced. Yet she’s still standing. I also read Unbroken before it was a movie and a household name. I marveled at what Louis survived and determined that if he could go through all that, I could certainly overcome this.
And in many ways I have overcome. I didn’t become bitter. I became better. At no time did I hate men or the idea of marriage. Though folks asked how I could ever consider marrying or even dating after what I’d been through, I had the wisdom to know that my first marriage was by far not normal. I was healthy. He was not. I kept my vows. He did not. I was a good wife and I had hopes that one day when I was ready and strong, I’d be a good wife to someone who appreciated, loved, and protected me.
I am remarried. We’re going on 11 years of happiness. When I was strong and ready and my kids were strong and ready, God sent a truly beautiful man to be my husband and their father. I pinch myself sometimes when he’s thoughtful, kind, gentle, and has my back. Then I remind myself…psst, that’s the way it’s supposed to be in every marriage. It’s just the first I’ve experienced it.
Enough about me…I want you to have hope, sweet friend. We are not called to live in oppression, depression, and fear, especially not under the thumb of someone whose role is to protect and love you. Real love doesn’t make you afraid. Real love doesn’t make you cower or run. It doesn’t make you feel worthless or useless or isolated. Real love feels equal and safe and fulfilled. It makes you feel uplifted and adored and valued.
Make sure you know which is which before you see someone romantically again. Make a list of what you’ll accept and what you never will again. Keep yourself accountable and demand real love forevermore. It’s there and it’s waiting for you. When you’re ready.
You are loved,
