I’ve had a bit of a rough week, folks.
Do you ever have those days when you feel like you’re an involuntary participant in an ugly game of dodgeball and you’re the only one getting hit by the ball? Repeatedly?
This week has been a string of a couple of those days. I have a lot on my mind, some real concerns.
At the end of 2015, I discovered a bulge in my abdomen. Immediately I was worried, internally panicked. Having worked in the medical field for 20 years and being a chronic patient (thanks to Crohn’s disease), I know more than the average bear about medical things. And I’m a chronic worrier so my mind goes to the worst possibility.
I had a CAT scan yesterday. I wait and pray.
Our beloved pug Gracie had surgery yesterday to remove a large lump on her neck that we discovered over the weekend. It couldn’t have been there more than a few weeks as I had bathed her over the holidays and always give her a good scrub and combing during a bath. It would have been noticed. The vet aspirated some fluid and found cells that were concerning. Surgery yesterday revealed the “lump” to be hard which is not what we wanted to hear. It’s been sent for pathology. We wait and pray.
Post-op Pug
Having Crohn’s disease, I go for bi-monthly infusions of an incredibly expensive medication that was pre-approved by our health insurance (what a blessing!). I received bills this week for past infusions approaching the six-figure mark. Although I began to panic, not able to even fathom a debt of that size.
I made many phone calls: to my doctor’s office who coordinated the benefit, our insurance company, the hospital who billed me. I went in a circle of confusion that they joined me in, trying to discover what’s going on. I wait and pray.
Any one of these situations alone could cause one to curl up into a little ball and cry. All three at once? Status: Meltdown.
And when you’re overwhelmed like that, feeling consumed by worry and fear, it can drain you physically and emotionally quite rapidly. It can be paralyzing.
I let it paralyze me the other night. I had writing to do, posts I needed to write for this blog and pieces to submit to other publications.
I had reading to do. I have a few books I need to review and I can’t wait to get engrossed in them (and reviewing books on my blog is one of my favorite things to do!)
Let’s not begin to talk about the housework that could have (should have) been done!
Real stuff needed to be accomplished! So did I hike up my sleeves and push aside the worrisome thoughts and get down to business?
I did not.
I was rendered nearly useless by this feeling of downright overwhelm. I curled up on the couch and pulled up a blanket, grabbed a mug of hot tea and the remote, and immersed myself into a few mindless hours of television. And not even good television! Just bouncing around from one program to the next, not finishing any, and I think I even landed on a Kardashian show for a minute! Desperate times, people!
Then it hit me. Right in the face. Not literally, of course, but it was embarrassing how obvious it was.
I was fretting about our pug’s health and scared about my own, wanting much more time. I had all these great tasks to do and beautiful people right in front of me to spend time with. I “turtled”, retracted into my shell of safety, and let it consume me. The very time I was worried about losing, I was squandering instead of embracing!
Just as I was about to share all this with you, lovely readers, my son asked me if I wanted to watch some prank videos with him. He saved the day. We spent the rest of the evening until bedtime laughing and he sat right next to me. (If you have teenagers, you know they like their space so this was a precious gift).
Without saying so, he helped me realize that I can’t allow myself to get sucked under by things I can’t control. Control is a delusion anyhow. We really have very little of it. I couldn’t control the medical results for myself or our dog. And I couldn’t control whether we’d owe those bills or not. Becoming absolutely immobile, even for a few hours, was giving in to the fear.
I was giving it power that it didn’t deserve!
I can’t allow that.
We need to do something productive in place of the worry and fear.
Read the Bible and get into the Word. Talk to a trusted friend. Exercise. Spend time with the people you love the most and laugh or just be near them. Pray. Listen to music that inspires you.
Do anything productive other than succumb to the overwhelm.
As it turns out, when I was writing this, I heard good news from my doctor. My CAT scan is clear. I am so very thankful.
Gracie’s pathology results are still out. She is healing nicely despite the ugly, large incision site. She is happy and bouncy and resilient. We have hope.
As for the bills, well, I just don’t know. It’s a paper trail of information to muddle through and muddle I shall. It’ll work out how it works out. But I know this: Hiding under the covers watching Kardashians fly around the world is not going to change the outcome. It nags in the back of mind, sure, but it’s not within my control and making myself sick with worry certainly isn’t going to help the matter.
I put my trust in God, who holds my future. I have to believe for good things. You’ve probably heard this before, that the Bible mentions 365 times …once for each day of the year…that we shouldn’t fear. (I guess we are entitled to be afraid one day every four years on Leap Day. I joke).
When you want to run and hide…don’t. Reach out to someone. Share your feelings and fears so you don’t feel that drowning feeling of being sucked under. Find a good friend or family member to confide in. Write down your feelings. Call someone. But do not despair. Good things are coming.
Breathe Easy,
