I’m a domestic violence survivor. In the over eight years since my first marriage ended I have learned so much and I make it my mission to share that here.
The steps to healing I’ve taken, both on my own and through therapy, have been tremendously healing, helpful, and enlightening. I care about you and your relationships. I want them to be healthy and not toxic. I want you to be healthy, strong, and empowered in your relationships.
Here are five myths about relationships that you should know:
You Can Change Him: False. You can’t. Don’t try. If you’re going to be in a relationship with this person or marry him, you’d better love who he is now and not for the person you hope he becomes. Don’t think that you will ever change a person. We simply don’t have that power. We can be positive influences for others and lead by example, but we can’t change a person. We can only change ourselves and other people can only change themselves.
He Should Know What’s Wrong: False. I don’t have ESP so I don’t expect my husband to. He can’t know exactly what’s wrong unless I tell him. Don’t play the game of “If you cared about me, you’d know what’s wrong.” Just tell your mate what’s up and fix it together. Communication is key, friends!
A Baby Will Fix It: Nooooo. A baby is a tremendous blessing. But it’s not the baby’s job to fix your relationship. Get your relationship into a strong and healthy place before you bring a baby into it. Create a stable, beautiful foundation for the little one. Nothing will fix your relationship except for the people in it.
He is All I Need: Nope. I need my husband. I also want him. But he can’t fulfill all my needs and it’s not his job to. I need family relationships with my children and siblings, and friendships. He needs the same. Other relationships fulfill other needs and enrich our lives so we’re well-rounded. If your mate wants to be your one and only relationship and doesn’t think you need relationships with your family or friends, that is a big red flag that he may be trying to isolate and-or control you. Be very careful and aware.
In a Good Relationship, You Won’t Argue: False. Who agrees all the time? You’re going to disagree and argue at some point. However, it shouldn’t be often and it shouldn’t make you both miserable. If possible, establish rules before the first argument. No screaming, name calling, low blows or digging up the past to throw it in the other’s face. No threats, obviously. No throwing out the D-word, and absolutely no violence or abuse of any kind. EVER. If one or both of you needs a break so you can keep your cool, honor that. Walk away and take a cooling off period and talk again when you’re both calm. Be determined to make the argument productive and have a purpose. Come to some sort of resolution with whatever the argument was about.
Relationships and marriage are no joke, but they should be playful and fun a good amount of the time. They’re also serious, work, and sometimes difficult. Be smart. Watch for red flags. Be safe. Be willing to put in the work, be respectful, and choose to love your partner ever day.
Find healthy love,
