I remember how exhausting it felt to live in such a volatile situation. Will he explode today? What will be the igniting factor? Will he hit me? Yell? Threaten? Which will it be this time?
The phrase “walking on eggshells” is accurate. You do feel like you need to tiptoe physically and verbally all the time lest you break an egg causing a landmine to erupt in your face. It is stress beyond belief. I’m almost a decade out of that abusive marriage and I still flinch at loud noises and my shoulders are tensed up almost 100% of the time, involuntarily. I won’t even realize I’m so physically tense. My body keeps score though. It knows. It comes out by way of headaches and muscle aches and debilitating fatigue.
Are you in one of those relationships right now? Or were you once? I have some things I want you to know, if you said, “Yes” to either of those questions. Ready? Please listen. You need to know.
You are worth saving. I’m not just throwing those words around. I mean them. You’re in a bad place and you are worth rescue. The circumstances don’t determine your worth. You’re important and needed and deserving of a better, safe life.
There is help. I lived in a small town that didn’t have shelters or resources. I’m not really sure I would have had the courage to look for them even if we did. Where I live now, there are many resources that help women and children (and men) escape violent relationships. They offer housing, safety, confidentiality, child care, legal help, and many other things. Help is there. Living in a shelter for awhile isn’t ideal. Nobody aspires to that. But living in a shelter is better than not being alive.
You’re not to blame. Yes, you chose this partner but nobody chooses to be abused. They don’t sign up for it. Usually, it’s a slow burn: the abuse starts off so subtle that you might not even recognize it at first. The abuser slowly insults you, puts down what you wear or do or how you look, starts accusing you of things, takes control bit by bit. Abusers have a method and they slowly gain control over every aspect of your life they can. Just because you chose to be in a relationship with this person, does not mean you are responsible for their behavior. And don’t blame yourself for still being in the relationship. Leaving is another issue.
Leaving is terrifying. It’s dangerous, for one thing. We know that statistically when a woman leaves an abusive relationship, that’s the most dangerous time. If you’re afraid to leave because he might kill you, aren’t you afraid to stay because he might kill you? The very best thing to do is to make a plan to get yourself and your children to safety. If your faith is keeping you married (I get it. No judgement here. ) or you’re sure he will change (I thought so too), that’s not a good reason to risk your life. He can still change and you can still be married even if you’re somewhere else being protected and safe. Making a plan starts with wanting to so confide in a friend, the Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-SAFE), talking to a therapist, pastor, neighbor, law enforcement officer, or anyone you trust, and ask them to help you find resources to get you to safety.
Starting anew is scary too. You’re not starting over. That implies starting from scratch, which you aren’t. You’re starting a fresh life with a load of experiences behind you and a bunch of life lessons too, I’m sure. It will be hard for awhile. You will face new challenges like finding a place to live, maybe a new job or training for one. Your children will need you more than ever as they make this transition with you. You will trade one challenge for another, but with a stark distinction; you won’t be under a reign of terror around the clock. You’ll be moving towards a stable life. You will be healing and growing stronger. Protect yourself. Use every resource at your disposal to protect yourself and your babes. Pray. Lean on God. He will never leave you and He’s a great listener and support.
Something to note about me: I didn’t leave. I didn’t know how. I had no idea what to do. And I thought he would change. I prayed all the time that God would make him who he was supposed to be: a good husband and father. What I realized after the fact was that God wasn’t going to wave a magic wand and change him. He had the free will to choose the right thing and he chose the wrong thing almost every time. And he faced mental illness that worked hard against him, yet in his stronger state of mind he refused help because he was too proud for that. He let his illness destroy him. I didn’t leave because I believed in him too much. But that almost cost me my life. He held me at gunpoint in our home and brutally sexually assaulted me before taking his life in front of me. I thought he was going to kill me and if you ask those closest to me, they feel in their guts that he intended to. I carry a lot of scars from that day and from the years with him. But I am healing every day and I am thankful to be alive. I am safe and I am happy. My children are healthy, happy, and safe.
You are worthy of a safe life. You are worthy of not being afraid every second, of being too scared to close your eyes are night. Take that step right now, today.
In love and hope,
