I’ve spent the past year anticipating turning 50. It’s huge, monumental, and empowering. My 40s started out with a difficult, terrible, painful survival story that grew into a beautiful love story and happiness.
Though my 40s was 20% of my life so far, about 80% of my growth and learning took place during that decade. Here are 10 Things I Learned in My 40s:
I Learned That I Can Stand on My Own: Because I had to. My 40s began married to one man and ended married to a much different (better) one. When I was 40, I became a single mother, widow, rape survivor, domestic violence survivor, violent crime survivor…and that was over the course of one day. I was thrust into a new life full of grief and healing with two little children to care for and help heal. And I did it. It wasn’t easy and I wasn’t some superstar about it, but I did it. I had a tremendous support system but ultimately, I was supporting my kids and myself on my own, getting us to therapy, learning to laugh again, and finding our way, the three of us and God.
I Learned How Truly Faithful God Is: See above. During that terribly painful time (and at times, that pain is still in us, PTSD, anxiety, memories), God was always with us. He actually always was. But when you’re on your knees and in too much emotional and physical pain to speak, He is there in a palpable way. He physically showed up in other people for us and in circumstances. And in the dark of night was I was alone with my pain, He was the only one there. He will never leave you either.
I Learned to Love Myself: Throughout that painful journey, I had to “find myself” as they say. But truly, I did. Fifteen years of a marriage to an abusive man, I was oppressed, my personality suppressed, my dreams sidelined (because he laughed at them), and I was made to feel unimportant, stupid, and afraid, all the time. I went through a growth spurt, learning who I was, reinventing who I was. And I learned to love myself. You need to love you. When you do, you won’t accept mistreatment from others. You will demand the best for your other loved ones, right? When you love you, you’ll demand it for yourself too.
I Learned I am Worthy of Good Things & People: Again, when you’re the victim of an abuser, you don’t believe any good thing about yourself. You eventually believe their lies: that no one else will ever love you; that you’re worthless; you’re unworthy; unlovable; unlikable; undeserving of any good thing. I learned the truth: I am worthy of good things, good people. I’m lovable, likable, talented, skilled, funny, fun, and deserving of good things and people.
I Learned About Boundaries & How to Use Them: If you’ve been around here awhile, you know I’ve written and talked about boundaries many times. I teach about them, even. I can’t tell you how important they are, how absolutely necessary they are in our everyday lives and in every single relationship we will ever have. When you have them and aren’t afraid to live by the boundaries, you will feel freer and your relationships will be healthier.
I Learned Sometimes Friends Are For a Season: I grew up thinking a friend was a friend forever. It took me until my 40s to realize they aren’t always. And that’s okay. Sometimes God brings people into your lives for a season and a specific reason. I have friends that weren’t my usual closest friends that showed up in big ways during our time of crisis and we haven’t had real contact since. I will never forget their kindness and friendship, but I understand that sometimes God brings friends for a specific time. And He brings others for a long time.
My Voice is Beautiful: I’m not sure I ever had a voice prior to five or so years ago. Of course I could speak, but I didn’t have MY VOICE, my way of speaking, a message. I found it. God has enabled me to share my story of both domestic violence survival and about my chronic illnesses and advocate for others. I have had speaking engagements. I share on stories daily on Instagram. Ten years ago, those things would have been terrifying to me. Now, I love doing them and encouraging others.
I Am Not Everyone’s Cup of Tea. And I Don’t Care: Of course we all like to be liked. But I learned in my 40s that I know who I am. I am good with who I am; I know I’m a good person who gives second chances, loves people well, treats everyone kindly and fairly, and overall do my best. The people closest to me love and accept me. Beyond that, I don’t need everyone to like or approve of me. They don’t need to understand or appreciate my quirky personality. It’s freeing once you get that.
I Learned What True, Selfless Romantic Partnership Is: My 40s started in a sad, painful abusive marriage and went into trauma and tragedy, major changes. My 40s ended with me happy, whole, and married to a wonderful man. I had to learn to love myself, use healthy boundaries, and trust God’s faithfulness to get here and to find him. He is a true partner, a beautiful man, fun, supportive, loving, and really, a dream come true. This is what it’s supposed to be like.
I Learned My 50s Are Going to Be Awesome: Some people fear or dread a milestone age like this. I have looked forward to it. Now that I’m here, it’s a little weird, I’ll admit. I feel a little sadness that my 40s are behind me. But I don’t feel “old” by any means. I feel empowered. Age is a gift I gladly accept. This is a chance to make changes I want to make or learn a new thing, write a new book, make new friends, mentor younger people, and change the world if I want to.
Fifty is nothing short of fabulous. It’s like I joined a special club and I’m excited to see what it brings me. It’s a new phase of life where I continue to discover my second calling. My daughter is a college graduate and in love. My son is a high school graduate embarking on his college adventure in two months. I’m working on my book, playing piano again, and keeping a clean house, with the world kind of at my feet. It feels weird that my kids are on dates and I have a twinge of sadness of days past, but at the same time I love the time with my hubby. This decade will bring more changes but I expect them to be good, amazing, empowering, and full of family, love and adventure. P.S. I have every reason to believe that I will become a GRANDMA this decade! Amen to that!
Fifty and fabulous indeed,
