The show Submissive Wives debuted on TLC last night. I wasn’t even aware such a show existed until my Facebook news feed became rife with comments about the show and how it infuriated some and nauseated others. Since the show had already begun, I clicked to a later viewing, hit record, and came back to watch it in its entirety. I was interested to see what the rage was about.
The word submission in the writing world is a hopeful and exciting word. It means we’re preparing a piece to be submitted to a blog, publisher, magazine, etc. in hopes of being published. In the context of relationships, however, the word “submissive” often makes people lose their heads. Heated conversations are had. Accusations fly. Marriages are ridiculed. Women are deemed weak. In other words, it brings out the ugly.
Candace Cameron Bure got blasted in recent history for including in her book “Balancing It All”, a snippet about submissiveness in her marriage. There was a cry heard round the worldwide web and I wrote in her defense on BlogHer and to date, it’s one of my most-read posts, in the many, many thousands of reads.
When we hear the word “submissive” or “submission” in respect to a marriage, people get deeply uncomfortable; as if wearing a scratchy wool sweater, they tug at their collars a bit, squirm in their seats, maybe even break out in hives. They (generally) have a skewed perception of what this really means and they bristle intensely at the Bible verse “Wives submit to your husbands.” But they hear that portion and that’s where they stop, throw their arms up, and stomp off.
But God didn’t stop there. He didn’t say “Wives do only what your husbands say. Fellas, you’ve got it made in the shade hereforth. The End.” In fact, the verse that precedes this famous (or infamous, depending on to whom you’re speaking) verse says “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.“ (Ephesians 5:21 Armor of God Bible, Zondervan). Then God breaks down the details of how to do this.
He says “Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body of which He is the savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” Here’s where we get itchy. I don’t believe God means we wives have no voice. In fact, I know He doesn’t.
If we were to have no voice or opinion or free will, God wouldn’t have given them to us.
How about the “other” definition of submission: “the action of presenting a proposal, application or other document for consideration.” Sure, we’re not talking about literal paperwork, but this definition applies to life. Before making any monumental decisions that affect my family, I present a verbal proposal to my husband for his consideration. I trust his judgement; he often thinks of options or solutions that maybe I hadn’t thought of; he offers a unique viewpoint. Sometimes, if I’m just really unsure about a decision, I will defer to him. I’ll admit I don’t really know which way is best and I’ll trust his judgment and be okay with his decision.
The idea here is to discuss things as a couple, weigh options, come to a decision together. If you can’t, your husband should have the leadership ability to make a wise decision on behalf of your family that will be the right one because He’s prayed about it, talked about it, sought wise counsel. Remember, husbands aren’t God. They make mistakes, so if they make a decision that turns out to be the wrong one, weather the fallout, stick with him, and allow him to learn from it. (If he makes a wrong decision every time, that’s another conversation). The point is that you need to be able to trust your husband and his judgment (and he yours) and that if you simply can’t come to an agreement together on how to handle a certain situation, you should comfortably defer to him.
This might make some people uneasy, but I believe the reverse can work too. If you come to a loggerheads, what if the husband submits to the wife? What if, the particular issue at hand is something that’s more in her wheelhouse and he can trust that she’d make a more informed decision than he could? Then he has to trust her and support her too, whatever the outcome.
Let’s not forget, God does say “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself to her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” (Ephesians 5:25-28, Armor of God Bible, Zondervan).
I want that! Don’t you? Don’t you want your husband to love you and cherish you just as if you were his own body? To make you holy, cleansing you (not literally, of course), present you as a radiant church without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish? Holy and blameless? Um, yes! It sure sounds like God is telling the husbands “you’d better take care of this woman I’ve trusted you with. I expect you to treat her like the gift that she is and do right by her.”
This show “Submissive Wives” specifically features two couples: One is a couple more seasoned in the ways of a submissive marriage. The other is a couple whose marriage is on the road to divorce unless something’s changed. Couple #1 is mentoring the endangered couple in the ways of marriage submissiveness. We see Mrs. Endangered is a stay-at-home mom who’s slacked a bit in the areas of housekeeping and personal preening. The mother of two has a mountain of dirty laundry (literally, it’s a few feet high). However, you will get no judgment from me; I have a two-foot stack of clean laundry living in a basket in our bedroom right now, just begging to be put away one of these days. It’s clean. So at least there’s that.
Endangered seems not to care how she looks terribly much, in respect to being attractive for her husband. We see evidence of this when she makes the effort and her husband is delighted that she “dressed up” in overalls and a cute tee. But hey, effort is effort! This couple had fallen into the common trap of feeling and acting like roommates, except they no longer even shared a bedroom. Veteran Wife told Endangered that step number one would be getting back in bed with her husband. Wise advice, I say. Just being together is a good first step. It’s hard to work on a relationship from separate rooms.
Endangered made some changes of seemingly moderate effort that launched her marriage into a new and improved dimension. She cleaned house. She put on her makeup and “dressed up”, she greeted her husband with a cup of coffee on his way out the door to work and even prepared him a snack for later in his day. This guy was over the moon for his wife! These little extra niceties made him feel like a million bucks. He felt appreciated, supported, and loved: three very basic, but oh so important things we all need to feel. In return, he became once again affectionate with his wife, even bringing her flowers and planning a romantic getaway. She took the initiative and it paid off well.
Certainly, some marriages are in bigger trouble and need more intervention, but these simple steps do go a long way to improving a marriage. Despite what Veteran Wife says, you don’t need to have sex with your husband every time he asks for it. Sex is not an obligation and you never have to engage in it unless you want to. But it’s an incredibly important part of marriage. It’s something that you two share only with each other and it’s an incredible bonding time, so if it’s broken, fix it post haste. And think about this: if he’s doing his part and romancing you and being a loving, supportive husband, imagine how it hurts to be shut down every time he wants to be with his wife. Imagine how you would feel in the reverse situation. Of course, if you’re sick or falling asleep, we all get it. Postpone until tomorrow night. But make the effort. Keeping it G-rated, I’m just saying if you give a little effort, you’ll be glad you did.
Veteran Wife made the kids all come to the door with her to issue a happy welcome home greeting to their husband and father every day upon his return home from work. I have to say, I don’t enforce this but it happens naturally! We don’t live in a mansion, so when my husband walks in the door we all know it (because it’s a small house but also because our lovely pups race to the door barking and jumping on him: they’re happy to see him too). We’re all delighted to see him and tell him about our day and hear about his. I hope he’s happy about that and not one of those people who needs an hour of silence before conversation. (Oops). Hopefully, it makes him feel loved and important, because that’s the goal. He gets a kiss and a hug (and sadly, not appetizers as Veteran Wife provides for her husband).
I do little things, sometimes big things, to make him feel appreciated and special. I don’t do them because he expects them. That’d be entirely no fun if he was expecting it. It gives me just as much joy as it does him. When I see him happy–and especially if I know I had something to do with that–it blesses me double. But understand that he does the same for me, when I least expect it. It’s a circle. He takes care of me, I take care of him, we are strengthened to care for our children and do what life requires.
I do most of the housework. It’s not because my husband demands it. I’m not sure he even expects it. It’s never been discussed. When we both worked, we split it depending on who worked more (always him). Since I worked at home for 20 years, it was natural for me to throw in laundry or a load of dishes on a work break or before starting my shift. But if the chips are down and company is coming, it’s all hands on deck, including his. He’s the fastest, most thorough cleaner I’ve ever seen and I wish I had whatever it is he has (I refer you back to the laundry basket). There’s no “man’s work” and “woman’s work” here. There’s just work and initiative, and whoever has the time and ability does that particular thing. And I think, to be bold, our way is the best way.
I’m home full-time and not employed now. I don’t expect him to do any housework except things I physically can’t do. There are some days I’m sick (Crohn’s disease) and I’m lucky if I can muster the energy to do the laundry. My kids are teenagers so they can pitch in quite a lot. My husband works long hours and works hard during those hours. We are grateful for his good job. I’m blessed to have a home to keep and family to wash laundry for. I wouldn’t know how to make no attempt and instead, let someone else do it (though if anyone wants to hire a cleaning service for me, I heartily accept).
I try to look pretty for him. But, I look pretty for myself first. I dress how I like without any direction from anyone and if I feel good in what I’m sporting, that confidence is what he’ll like. My Mom always made sure she had her makeup on and was dressed (changed out of the clothes she cleaned in) by the time my Dad got home from work. Even if she was throwing on makeup when he was pulling in the driveway, she looked beautiful and wanted to look beautiful for him. She wanted him to come home out of the crazy work world my dad spent the day in to provide for us, to a clean home, a delicious meal, and a pretty wife. And that’s one of the most loving and sweetest things I witnessed in the my parents’ marriage.
Women are not the (mistakenly perceived) weaker sex. God made us helpmates to our husbands. If men were infallible beings and so superior to us, why on Earth would they need help from us? Because they’re not infallible, superior beings, that’s why. God made us women spectacular, intelligent, nurturing, strong, and able to house, grow, and protect a baby until it’s ready to come into the world. He gave us-women!-the responsibility and gift of childbearing, something no male has ever or will ever be able to do! He created us with just as much to offer as men. He equipped us with a lot to bring to the table! If God gave us the ability to help men, then surely we’re equals and not some wilting flower of timidity who can’t think for herself and must let her husband think for her.
That’s not what submission is about. It’s a healthy balance, give and take within a marriage; realizing each other’s strengths; trusting one another to do what’s best for the family; it’s deferring to the other person when the situation calls for it; being mindful of each other’s needs; respect. There must, absolutely must, be mutual respect or the marriage will crash and burn (ask me how I know!). So if there’s submission in the respect many people think of it where it’s a unhealthy servitude, then there would definitely not be mutual respect and the marriages would miserably fail, and God would not be pleased. This is not what He tells us He wants, so doesn’t it make sense that He’d mean us to be in an mutually loving marriage where we both get to be loved, respected, and heard? What do you think?
