When I was grieving and beginning the (long) healing process after my first marriage ended so traumatically, I needed people. There were different people who would have different strengths and help us in various capacities.
There are five roles filled by five very different people. And they’ll be the ones who help you heal too.
The Counselor: If you’ve been through trauma, a divorce, the end of any relationship or any sort of serious difficulty, a therapist will be an incredible tool in your healing process. A therapist will help you sort through what happened, why it happened, and offer coping tools…and hope. There’s something empowering about spending an hour with a professional working solely on making you and your future a safe, healed place.
The One Who Won’t Leave: This is the friend who recognizes that your grief and healing don’t have rules or expiration dates. They won’t stop asking what you need and they will continue to check in with you and check up on you long after everyone else has gone back to their lives, assuming you “must be okay by now.” This person will see if you need groceries, will text or call to say “hello”, and will walk through the down and dirty with you. You will be grateful for this person because even some of the those folks closest to you will “forget” about you. Sorry. It happens. People get busy. Hold this friend close. This person to me was my sister-in-law Terri. She was there then and has been there for me every time before and after too. She is faithful.
The One Who Will Tell you That You Smell: Really. This friend will be blunt with you and tell you if you’re in denial or need to quit a destructive behavior (that you might be using to soothe yourself or keep you in denial) or will literally tell you that you’re long overdue for personal hygiene. This is the person who will drag you out into the sunlight to feel life again. Right after you take a robust shower.
The Friend Who Holds You: Whether that happens literally or not, this is the friend who will simply “be.” They will listen if you need to talk and they will sit with you when you need to cry. Or when you can’t stop crying. They will be the person who follows you into the bathroom at church where you dashed off to, sobbing because seeing nuclear, loving families together just hurts too much right now. She will sit in there with you and share her similar sorrow, and together you will heal a little those days just in the knowing that you’re not alone. This is the friend who will sit with you in silent support, even if all you can offer is tears. These were real people in my life.
The Encourager: This person will be the realist who asks the hard questions and encourages you towards a better future. They bring empowering books of others’ hard stories so you will know that if they survived, you can too. They will offer you their home as a sanctuary, a meal, a hug, and to care for your pup so you and your children can get away for a weekend. They will be the practical friend who offers firm support and gives you hearty permission to move on when you’re ready.
These five people are important. You will need them if you’re going through a major struggle. More than one person may fill each role. It’s fluid. You’ll need them at different times and sometimes back again. There’s no rhyme or reason to moving on and certainly no schedule we have to adhere to.
Take heart, the friends you might assume will step into these roles, won’t necessarily. A brand-new friend might step onto the scene or an old one might emerge to fulfill these needs in your life. These folks might show up just for a season and move on once your need is filled. That’s okay. God sends people how and when you most need them. It’s weird and awesome all at once.
Remember this: If people aren’t showing up for you and you need them to, tell them. Tell your mom, sister, best friend, church family, neighbor…that you are sinking and you need to be thrown a lifeline. We would all be better off if we created a society where people felt safe and comfortable speaking their deep needs. Folks don’t always pick up on what’s going on with you. If you look fine, people often assume you are. But our hearts and minds aren’t visible to the average eye and that’s where we require the most care. Reach out. There’s super strength in speaking your need.
Be brave,
