How many times a day do you say “yes” or “no” to something?
“Mom, can I have a friend over?”
“Can I borrow the car?”
“Is your work project done?”
“Do you want fries with that?”
We have an abundance of decisions to make on the daily. How much thought do we put into what we’re agreeing to or declining?
We often numbly respond just like we mechanically answer the question “How are you?”
“Fine, thank you,” we say.
Because:
“I’ve been in and out of the bathroom all morning and my hips and back are screaming and I’m completely exhausted and it’s not even noon”
or
“Last night I discovered my husband is having an affair and I feel like I have a hole in the middle of my body and I’m terrified and devastated. I don’t know what to do”
or
“Everything is actually pretty great in my world but I’ll feel guilty if I’m honest about that”
won’t do because most people really don’t want that information. They’re just being polite when they ask how you are.
So we dole out the yes or the no, or whatever seems to work at the time, without considering what’s really best for us. Or what we actually want to say.
There are good “yeses” and bad, and good “no’s” and bad.
The good yes is agreeing to things that are healthy for you, that will make you happy, that observe your boundaries. Sometimes we have the yes we’re obligated to but don’t want: additional responsibilities at work when we’re already overloaded or watching someone’s kids in an emergency because even though we’re tired, we want to help and know they’d be there for us in a similar situation.
The bad yes is agreeing to things that make you feel uncomfortable, worthless, betrayed, invaded or compromised. You don’t have to say “yes” to everything, especially if it goes against your intuition and what feels right or if it’s going to be unhealthy for you.
Saying “yes” to baking for the school bake sale can, in fact, be unhealthy for it. If you’re absolutely tapped out with exhaustion or busyness and it’s going to tip the scales in an unhealthy way, say “no.”
There are some “bad” no’s, the ones where you’re declining things because you think you’re not worthy or not able, like a better job that you’re qualified for but afraid to take because you think you’re not worthy.
Or you “say no” to being in photos because you’ve bought the lie that you’re not beautiful or that your body isn’t the right shape or size.
Or you say no to experiences or opportunities because fear or anxiety are making those decisions for you (been there!)
You have some choices here. Are you giving the right answers that are breathing life back into you? Are you too afraid to say “no” because it makes you seem difficult or like you’re not a team player? Are you afraid to say yes to good things that will bring you joy that you don’t think you deserve?
Spend a day (or two or a week or however long makes sense) and really examine what’s put in front of you to choose and see what your knee-jerk response is. Pay attention to your answers. Then pay attention to how you really want to respond. Do they match? Or do you have some more thinking to do?
Saying “yes” and saying “no” are both components of self care and healthy boundaries. Make sure you know which is which and for when.
You. Are. Brave. Do not forget.
